queer-with-a-pen

"love yourself first" my foot

“to love another

you must first love yourself

fore if you do not love yourself

you can not truly love

anyone else”

what a bunch of crap

 

the list of things

that i hate about myself

it is far bigger than the things

that i like about myself

 

i hate my hands

with the chewed-down fingernails

and the chronic tremors from anxiety

and so many different cocktails of medication

that has grown too big to

swallow dry anymore

 

i hate my mental illness

the auditory and visual hallucinations

that used to plague me constantly

and the depression

the anxiety

the insomnia

the fuckin PTSD

 

i hate that i cut myself

for six years

and the urges still overwhelm

me more than is probably healthy

 

sometimes i hate that i failed

when trying to kill myself

four years ago

 

i am a freak in every

sense of the word

but that doesn’t bother me as much

as it used to

because all of my heroes are freaks too

and i still have so much love to give

 

because i grew up hating myself

raised between two abusive households

where it was made obvious that i

was not wanted by either parent

so i took that love that i was unable

to feel for myself and threw

it out into the world

for those that needed it more than me

 

i have so much love to give

because that is a terrible thing

to let go to waste

and i have more than enough

to go around

 

and i hate myself more days

than i love myself

but by giving that gift to others

before myself i think

and i know

that i am slowly learning how to

love myself again

and forgetting what it has felt like

to hate myself since i was

seven years old

 

so don’t you dare tell me

that i can’t love others until

i love myself

because that isn’t enough of

a reason to keep moving forward

and loving others first is how i

pick up the jagged edges

and smooth them down into something

that is soft once again



Comments7

  • Angelica

    Love...love
    Such a powerful tiny word.
    It can strangle or liberate...
    It's up to us!
    A good write!

  • lyndalou

    I have found soothing relieve in my poems, perhaps you will as well, I enjoyed yours very much. Well penned

  • UnspokenVoice92

    There is always beauty in each struggle. Always. Nice job.

  • orchidee

    Yes, beauty in each struggle. And the rough diamond is shaped and smoothed to reveal its true worth :)

  • Diamond

    A deeply heart touching write. Beautifully written. Makes me feel the emotion behind it.

  • Candlewitch

    I identify with most of your story. the only difference is, that I had a father who loved me. but my mom made it hard for him to visit me. I agree with the premise of this poem!

    *hugs, Cat

  • FredPeyer

    Boaz, you are right. You CAN give love and not love yourself. Your poem says: 'I hate myself more days than I love myself'. Aren't you saying that there are days when you DO love yourself? Do the days when you give love not also trigger that love of self?
    The more love you give, the more you will receive, the more you will love yourself. And I think that is exactly what your last stanza says.



To be able to comment and rate this poem, you must be registered. Register here or if you are already registered, login here.