Spiritually and Deen at 16....(Updated)

 Are you afraid of me? Do you think about my hideous past? Turning on the TV,  hearing about the latest bombing,  the latest terror attack done by a ‘ Muslim’ In extremis,  jihadist, Isis.  is that why you're scared of me?  you can't even walk up and talk to me.  do you know my story?  How  I fell into that category of extremist terrorist jihadists Isis.  do you wonder why I wear my veil?  do you have any idea how proud I am to be able to follow God's will?  Ask me! Why I guard my modesty.

Being with someone America is not the greatest these days.  I have had my friends say they want to take off their scarves and just took their hair in a hat.  to avoid attention from the rats.  on the streets,  who want to hurt everyone who is unique.  who follows God's will.

 I'm not just some regular 16 years old in America.  I am not your regular  16-year-old Muslim.  I was not forced, raised, or thought Islam's ways. For me,  I didn't want to be unique,  or just stand out. But for me, I wear it for the girls around me.  who are too scared to wrap their heads. They might be beaten bloody and red.  I heard of a girl who had their scarf ripped off.  her name that day was not Maryam.  the name of Jesus's mother.  the most Pious woman in history.  Instead,  it was extremist the jihadist,  go back to your country,  and of course Isis. But, nobody sees. That I where I come from. Is the United States.

I form the muddy riverbed. The little trailer in the country. Where I come from we say Y'all. I have an accent, softer than my uncle. That I try to hide, just so I don't get 'de-Muslimed' and called a fake. Called a fake because nobody understands that Muslim can come from anywhere. I am from my father who is a convert. I am from the womb of a mother who is Athiest. A family with four brothers, who don't are the same as my mother, an atheist. From a childhood, with no religious values. Sent to Sunday school at a young age. But, not taught anything at home. I am from a father who taught me peace and love is the way. Teaching me that what is in my heart is all that matters. In my heart is where Allah plant a seed that turned into the most beautiful of flowers. Islam. Soon after that flower blossomed. Everything changed. From how my eyes saw life way I dress.

When I first started I remember putting a bandana on my head because I was too scared to be labeled as Isis.  It wasn't just something wrapped on my head.  somehow it felt that was hugging my heart. But that was just a start.  I continue the same tradition every time I went out.  a little mascara,  and a bandanna covering my head and hugging my heart.  until one day I decided to wear the scarf. The hijab, the hijab wasn't just hugging my heart it was holding me in a tender Embrace.  But it wasn't enough.

I made a veil, to cover my face. No matter how much I wore it I knew, there was the risk. But, what is better?    Gazes of hatred, or gazes of lust, or some sick desire? I would rather be looked at in disgust, and hatred, than lust, or sexual attraction. Or someone’s disgusting fantasies. The way you dress, it tells a lot about you. Whether it be true or false. Young girls spend hundreds on makeup, Hours in front of a mirror,  thousands on one-night dresses. To be torn off for a one night stand, with a random man. The shortest shorts,  the tightest skirts. Don't worry I used to do some of those things,  unwanted stares from everyone. What are they thinking, my hair, my makeup messed up? One question turning into many, forming insecurities. “Believe me even with my veil, I still have insecurities, but not about my body. I have insecurities about society, and what they think of me.

The first day of school, my legs shaking, my breath trembling, Sweating from all of the stares.  But, soon realized, this cloth draped over my body is a shield. My bodies shield from the unwanted gaze. From the male's sexual desires of today. “Even if there was an elephant in the room, I’m still the elephant in the room” - Amal Kassir. That quote ran through my head at least a dozen times in that loud cafeteria. People's thoughts, ringing in my ears extremist,  jihadist, Isis, oppression of women, go back to your country, she's going to blow up, Is this a joke?  Why is she here? Eventually, I relaxed and said to myself “Allah doesn't burden a soul beyond that it can bear ”