Heartache

I wish I could put my depression into words
If I could do it right, maybe they would listen
But they won't

Never the less, I'll try
They say trying isn't good enough
And being told that your best isn't enough creates a heart burn you could use to warm yourself
And maybe that's what they do, maybe they like my pain

Does it make up for what happened the them?
Is this their way of influencing fate to make things their ideal fairness?
Is this madness, or is that just me?
Are they being selfish, or is that me?
Am I in the wrong for wanting help because she needs it too?
Am I making his problems go unnoticed by trying to fix myself?
Why do I feel so alone?

Days are good sometimes, not much goes wrong
But there's still this feeling wrenching my heart and mind
Ringing me out like a hot rag, making me as useful as a crack in the foundation.
Like nothing but a trouble.
There's always this feeling
This feeling of... of... I don't know.

This feeling, a lot of people say it's a cloud
Something always hanging over you
I picture it as more of a ghost of a smile always faking it's way to my lips
It likes to grin and remind me im alone
Reminds me my best is never good enough
Reminds me that I'm fat and ugly
And where is my make up?
Baggy clothes to cover my rolls?
Knowing well, that I don't have them but it gives me the need to cover them
Knowing well that my face looks fine
But fine is trying, and trying isn't good enough
Knowing I only make them proud when I do more then try, hating it but always doing it
This feeling is the one the creeps up when someone hugs me
It leaves and I swear hugs help but then it laughs and it's wicked teeth sink in my mind and my knees buckle and I am reminded I'm not good enough
Their arms will leave my waist and this feeling will claw my back until I scream and it will laugh and kiss my ear whispering sweet nothing's
Nothings as in, I'm nothing
This feeling likes to be my friend
But it's a toxic friend
A toxic like Vodka to and ex drinker having a relapse
But I can't climb my way out using and 12 step program
This feeling likes to take over and leak it's way out like blood

It's lead to harm, going on and off like a high school romance in movies for five years
Started with punching and scratching myself
Then there was starvation
And clawing my wrist until it was slippery with the blood
And then there was little cuts from my shaving razor by the time I reached the 3 year of the cycle and there was a lighter to burn them shut
Year 4 came with 2 attempts, one from my wrist, and one from my gut
Only 14 and tried to end it twice, and still no notice
How a does a brother raise his sister and not notice when she passes out on the couch for two whole days, wakes up dry heaving with teary eyes begging to go back to sleep? When she crys and hugs you, you still pushed her away. How?
I'm on year 5 now, and I haven't truly attempted again but the harm has turned from small cuts to big ones
And my silence has turned to pleas
and my once dry face is dripping with tears
and my arms have leaked more than anything
and my thighs are burning
And I got better for a while but I'm in a deep relapse now
Begging for help but no one will listen

Sometimes she takes my words to account, but then says that depression isn't my issue
Maybe she's right, maybe I'm not just depressed
Maybe I'm suicidal
Maybe I'm anxious
Maybe I'm bulimic
Maybe all four
Maybe just insane
But I'm still begging for help
And no one's listening... still