Suocidal dreams

My Crazy life
My favorite thing to say is " I won't commit suicide , im just waiting to be killed ."
I've lived the high life , with the holy rollers,
I've lived the low life , with the demons seeking chaos,
I've eaten the finer things in life , drank the fine wines.
I've been in a welfare line fighting in line AT THE SOUP KITCHEN.
I've given the shirt off my back, to in return get ignored .
I've set at ths place with these people who,mean me no real harm but won't allow me to change for to long .
I've given to many chances to them, when clearly they wouldn't piss on me if i was on fire.
I've heard , im here for you and i got your back , im different you will see ,to many times to try to recolect .
Same amounts been standing waiting and no,one show up .
The people I've loved more than life itself have died or left me when, i needed them the most and heaven knows the times I've asked god , why .. Lord why ...
I gave my heart away a long long time ago its still,MIA ..
And what remains is a pissquick of my shadow .
My soul is a doomed gloomy prison for fear and hell seeking scenarios. .
Threes been no hope ashamed of the life i wasted for dope.
Im running threw the woods as fast as i can its pitch dark i see a small orangish red light seems to be in the distance that got bigger with every glide afraid and alone im yet again outside.
And i hear a loud roaring sound and stop dead intracks im three inches from a fiery pit after running slap outta woods ..
I am like is this hell , hello i, screemed .. Well don't leave me in suspense ..
And no reply ..
I get pisssed, i,holler i aint worse then hell , no,freaking way open up let me in ..
Nothing back, i said ok here i come i,walk backwards and fun fast and jump as hard and as heavy as i can and ill be damned if i,didn't levitate on it like walking on water. .
I said ok then , i win then give me my soul back and my life ..
You punk a$$ devil ...give me my soul an my life back. You tricked me i want a do over just one..
Finally ... And heard a thunder sounding voice cracking banking and popping sounding that said " no you went looking for bad and got crystal meth , each time you had little more fun with a lot more bad .. Go go evenly with it , taking your soul your heart with me yes i did.
Your the dumb ass came running back,time and time again an this isn't no more then what you made it , you were the narrator holding the pen ..
I screemed " damn you devil ... "
And my voice like a P A system said "now now your mad and blame someone you created you made this monster .
Hell ... Hell fire you've gone and done it now ..
I was like ok , i must be dreaming . this is absured I've gone to the looney Ben and then i woke up pouring swet and i see darkness and reach for the light and there isn't any string to pull .
And finally a familiar voice approaches me and says " what do you want ..??? im busy .." and i feel around shaking and breathing hard scared that I've spoken to the devil and now the dead and i find a gun its got one in the chamber as i cock it . no sound follows and then boom .
I wake up and make worse decisions that take me closer to hell each night and i won't commit suicide im just waiting to be killed ..
Takes to long .... Karma is a faithful bit** .
Whose mission is never aborted. ..
Im the pawn .. The puppet on the string even in my dreams there is no end...
Stuck on repeat revolving doors one way signs posted everywhere. ..
Crystal Hill