Color

i'm falling
i'm flying

i. BEFORE- we met on the corner of smoke and ashes, drowning burning liquor trying to forget our hands were shaking and our hearts were aching. we were lonely, that's all. lonely, not like the others, but lonely in the way you just can't seem to remember what colors look like. lonely in the way that you almost leaned into the friendly fist bump your professor gave you- so starved of human affection it made your skin crawl and every touch like bliss. lonely in the way that it felt like you were underwater trying to listen to the voices up above you. lonely in the way you broke without even realizing you were missing pieces. lonely in the way you forgot you ever had a place to call home. lonely in the way that you can't remember the last time you felt anything but empty. 

ii. COLOR- so we drank together and exchanged numbers with a numb hope of color. and color it was. when you called me, i heard scarlet for the first time in centuries. when i pressed my hands to your hips, our skin flared burnt umber and citrine. and when our lips met, there were explosions of rose and coral. we were tangled ribbons of verdant green and slate ocean blue, we were helpless, colors exploding across our skin with every touch and sound. and we spent so long searching for home, it was together that we remembered how to make these bones our own, transform these empty longings to dreams full of fire. 

iii. AFTER- but color is not all there is to life, and soon enough we split ways, each other's colors fresh on our lips. we were not forever, just enough connection, enough affection, to return color to each others soul. just enough time to recalibrate our centers. and then it was all over. it was for the best though. we were good, not great. lonely, not fate. 

iv. DOUBT- darling, do you really think i don't know what emptiness is like? darling, don't you joke about what's inside my head. i assure you, you wouldn't like being inside it. darling, i can see the doubt in your eyes, you see my smiles and count my teeth and assume it means the same thing as happiness. darling, you see what i show you, not what is real. beneath these smiling eyes, i court winter. but still you look at me like you are god, judging me for my sins. you look at me like i'm a child crying out for attention. but if you ever bothered to look at anything except the vibrancy of my bubblegum lipstick or the curve of my smile, you'd see. you'd see the way my shoulders slump with every slow step up the stairs, the way my hands tremble when i'm not focusing. you'd see the way i yawn so wide and so frequently every morning and the deep streaks of bluish purple beneath my eyes. and darling, you should pay more attention if you want to see beneath what i show you. 

v. NUMB- darling, emptiness was my first friend. she courts me like the grim reaper stalking my steps. darling, on a bad day, i would sell my soul to the devil for a good friend. have you rethought your doubt yet, darling? have you felt the first stirrings of fear tugging at your gut? don't worry, emptiness is courting me, not you. as long as you stay away, you'll be fine. she's got kisses like ice that stir my insides and there's lovely poison on her lips. she's paralyzing, petrifying, she's mine. i've got smiles made of sharp teeth and i'm everything you ever thought i'd never be. darling, i'm numb numb numb. 

vi. VOID- didn't your mother warn you of the girls with void eyes? you'll fall into mine if you're not careful. so be careful, be careful. it will consume you, strip your flesh from your bones and drain them of your bloody marrow. it will destroy you, turn your skin inside out and gauge your eyes out, steal your senses and turn you numb. beware the void, it's far too easy to fall, and i fall, oh how i fall. i've got void eyes and laughter lines and empty smiles.