Purpose

It’s really a scary thing, terrifying actually. One day, you see two lines on a pregnancy test. Your heart drops, you feel faint, in my case, you break down crying. You don’t know how to be a mother. You don’t know how to break the news to him. You’ve just started to get to know him, how will you forever be partners in something so crucial as raising a child? It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. It doesn’t feel like such a miracle. It feels like a stone in your stomach, a sinking feeling that the life you know is about to change drastically. But the next morning when you wake up and it’s the first thing in your head, you feel the smallest amount of excitement and wonder. “There’s really a baby inside me? A life? A human?” And from then on, it grows. You go to your first doctors appointment, you hear that tiny thudding, and you realize that there’s two beating hearts inside your body. You learn to accept and embrace the nausea, the weight, the stretch marks, the aches and pains, because it’s all for HER. Every ounce of discomfort you feel contributes to her growing, and your body changing to adapt to her. It seems like every day is eternal and every night is never ending, until finally, It’s time. It’s time, and all the nervousness you felt when you saw that plus sign on that stick come flooding back “What if she doesn’t like me? What if we don’t connect? What if I can’t breastfeed? What if something is wrong?”. And before you know it, they’re laying her on your chest, and you feel something you’ve never imagined. A fierce, burning need to protect this squirmy, screaming thing, over everything else. And you understand the word “love”, for the first time in your life. Anything you thought might have fallen under that word fades in comparison to this indescribable feeling. Suddenly it doesn’t matter how much sleep you get, how much it aches just to move. Because you did it. You brought this amazing, beautiful creature into this world. And the most rewarding thing of all, she absolutely adores you. Her eyes follow you in every direction. Just the sound of your voice is enough to calm her. And you just know that you’ve never been loved to this degree. No one has ever needed you as much as this baby, and that gives you the strength to be everything she needs and more. It gives you the strength to get out of bed for the tenth time in the last two hours just to hold and comfort her. It gives you the strength to go to work on less than 3 hours of sleep, to make sure you can provide for her. And when you finally get home, and you hold her in your arms, and you both feel the relief of being together after a long day, it all seems worth it. And you think back on all the things people have said to you to “prepare” you for a baby. “You won’t get any sleep”, “you’ll feel miserable”, “your life is over”. Except, no one ever told you how much of a mutual thing parenting is. Who wants to go out and go to parties and do the things young, single, worry free people do? You have this amazing, beautiful thing waiting for you at home. And why would you want to spend more time than you have to away from her? When you DO have to be away from her, all you can think about is her tiny fingers, her smell, and how you’re going to hug her and smother her in kisses when you finally get home. Sometimes, when she’s been sleeping for a few hours, you get the urge to pick her up and cuddle her, simply because she comforts you just as much as you comfort her. Being a mom was never said to be “easy”, but it’s not hard. It’s not hard to be what she needs, especially when she’s everything you need. And you suddenly understand. When you see her face for the first time, what you’re seeing is your whole heart, and it’s her now. She’s your whole heart. She’s what’s keeping you alive. She’s the reason for everything. You’ve never felt more full of love and happiness. And you were right, your life has changed profoundly, because you’ve found something you never even knew existed: a purpose.