Going to a Social

Fool!

 

You idiot!

You ingrate!

 

A new place!

A new start!

A new life – all given without consequence.

 

And you throw it away, running between your legs, off like a mutt,

Humilitated.

Inflated ego,

Crushed.

 

You could have done it.

You should have done it.

You had the chance, saw the signs,

The familiar, welcoming people,

Ignored.

 

All due to nerve.

All due to shame.

That you carried.

 

You went,

You saw,

You fell,

And you went.

 

Back home with a tail between your legs,

A sweet crunchy bar, from a soliciting vending machine,

Your only excuse,

Your only comfort.

 

All due to this parasite.

This worm!

This frustration you refuse to conquer.

 

Why did you not wait?

If not for 1 second life would have changed.

If not for 1 second, this shame would not have been fed.

And yet.

 

Oh, well.

What could you have done?

What could I have done?

 

A lashing followed by comfort,

For what am I supposed to do now?

 

Drown in self guilt and self-mutilation?

Lash out like a frustrated master with his dog?

 

Should you be broken?

Should I break myself?

 

Myself, with its poisonous flaws?

But,

 

Did I not do that already?

Did I not impose myself anew?

I failed again.

I had a chance.

And yet I failed.

 

Back home I went,

Fearing to see the people I had built myself anew for,

If they saw me,

If they knew,

Where would my efforts go?

 

It had all gone so well, you know?

It had all gone so well.

 

That’s enough.

 

No more of this.

 

This is a cycle.

A never ending cycle.

These words I hear,

They are not mine.

 

It’s the parasite.

The little fiend,

Preying upon me for more anguish.

 

This stupid event,

That was not important,

That was not consequential,

Does not chance my life for worse.

Did I not tell this to myself before?

That small steps were good,

That following my emotions was better?

 

Being proactive is good,

But what good does it do if I don’t maintain myself?

What good is it if I force myself into broken pieces that can no longer be put together?

 

No.

This is right.

I don’t need this.

This anguish is all for naught.

 

For if I bear it, how will I step forward tomorrow?

How will I be proactive when it really matters?

 

No.

I will be proactive.

I will look towards what matters,

I will look towards what I really want to do,

And not look back into the past that should not haunt me.

 

This is not procrastination.

This is a determined step,

This is a determined step to crush any and all parasites,

Before reaching outwards.

 

So as to be sure that next time, I do not become a fool!