i was a teenage lesbian

queer-with-a-pen

i was a crappy

12 or 13 year old lesbian

coming out to my friends at lunch

almost choking on my juice

when they said that they already knew

and their immediate acceptance made

me so relieved that i forgot

to chastise them for not

having told me sooner

 

and i loved my

first girlfriend

like how just seeing her would

let loose a stream of butterflies

into my stomach and i adored every

single one of them

 

and i loved my

girlfriend even when our

first kiss made the inside of

my bottom lip bleed

but she held my hand

and that made everything alright

 

but i was a

crappy teenage lesbian

because i still felt things

for boys

 

boys taller than me

and the same height

with their blue

and brown and green eyes

and short hair that i wanted

both on my head

and on my face

 

and and and i

didn’t know if i wanted

to be with the boys

or be the boys

 

but my girlfriend with

her soft hands and softer lips

imploring me to crawl into

bed with her on those

early mornings when we

were both a little less than half awake

even she couldn’t make that ache

of wrongness go away

 

and i was a

crappy and angry and

even more confused than before

teenage lesbian girl

but i was just so bad at it

because the part of me

that rationalized i must have been

a queer woman

got so much smaller

that i felt like an imposter

in my own sexual identity

 

and and and i

longed to be a boy

with a strong jawline

and hair on my face

and a flat chest

and and and i

just didn’t want to be me anymore

because the real me

he wasn’t a girl

 

and and and the

real me that he

inside of me

for so many years

is able to love boys and girls

and not feel guilty for it

because love is love is love

and i am still alive

to enjoy it

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Comments +

Comments3

  • FredPeyer

    Boaz, I like your simple, straight forward style, the repetition of 'and' in the first lines. Well written!

    • queer-with-a-pen

      Thank you! I’ve developed a style of writing poetry that utilizes repetition.

    • Aislinn Wilson

      the title got me in the mindset of the song "I Was A Teenage Anarchist", and while I do really enjoy that song what I read was so much more vulnerable and honest and tender and visceral and better written than my preconceptions. Beautiful poem.

      • queer-with-a-pen

        I’ll have to listen to that song. Thank you so saying so many wonderful things about my writing.

        If I ever do write a memoir, I’m gonna use the title of this poem, and then on the back flap, there’s gonna be a picture of my with short hair and a full beard.

        • Aislinn Wilson

          If you write prose as well as poetry I would love to see said memoir some day

        • James Michael

          The sincerity and emotion of this is overwhelming. A true poem in the truest sense. Excellent work!

          • queer-with-a-pen

            Always appreciate your comments on my older work, as that gives me an excuse to go back and read them again!



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