I have learned

I have learned to make myself smaller in a twin size bed because I should only take up half of the space he does.

I have learned that if I skip meals so that he can have sex with me that I don't feel so hungry anyway.

I have learned that my sobs sound like moans and my tears are just watering eyes to the man on top of me.

I have learned that I don't feel like I have the right to say no so I do not.

I have learned that I cannot tell my mother how I feel because it is my shame to bare alone.

I have learned that my father does not trust me to be an adult because he sees me as a disappointment.

I have learned to smear the lines between lies and truths to save myself from other people's views on what I should be ashamed of.

I have learned that punishing myself is ingrained in my nature as much as being gentle to others is.

I have learned to make myself a mask for each of my relationships because I don't know how to be the same person in front of everyone.

I have learned to hide and to hurt and to bottle it all up inside of me so that my ugly pain isn't quite so visible.