a list of maybe's

“did you wish you

would have successfully

committed suicide?”

you can’t ask me that

because it is one

hell of a loaded question

and i’ll spend all this time

agonizing over what answer

will make you worry the least

because and dammit anyhow

i just don’t know

it’s just one thing in

a long laundry list of

maybe’s that i took

from therapist to therapist

and psych ward to psych ward

trying to find a definitive answer

on why i was depressed

why i was afraid to sleep at night

why i couldn’t just be happy

why i wanted to die

just why why why

and i don’t know

because my whole life

felt like preparations in order

to die younger than i should have

but that stubborn cursor just

kept on blinking away

saying that my story wasn’t over

but the thing is

that depression has no face

because there were good days

where i wasn’t miserable

but then the nights were hell

and i could never cut deep enough

to find the infection

that made me this way

because even now

almost 20 and terrified

over a life that still

sometimes feels like it should

have ended four years ago

i am still depressed

under the genuine smiling

and laughing where i don’t care

if my crooked teeth show

my mental illness is still there

and i am riddled

with anxiety

and guilt

and regret

though i still cannot

say for certain if that guilt

extends to the fact that i

failed to take my own life

because i just do not know

it’s a long list of maybes

more than the scars littering

my left arm

or the days that i spent

bruising my wrist on

any sharp corner i could

because i can’t say “yes”

and i can’t say “no”

without it feeling like a lie

“did you wish you

would have successfully

committed suicide?”

i don’t know

yes

no

maybe

maybe

maybe