“i’ve had hallucinations like that”
no really
and i don’t even need drugs to do it
my brain used to give me all
that nightmare shit for free
but when it happens all the time
everyday is like a bad trip
and it just keeps getting worse
and it left dark circles under my eyes
and shaking hands
and so many cuts on my arm
because there is nothing poetic
about watching great black and bony
wings rip themselves out of someone's back
and you swear that it is snowing inside
since the cold flakes feel so real
and the wall inhales and exhales
against your back as you slide down it
to the floor
and it’s really fucking hard
to find a boy or a girl
that will save you from yourself
when you don’t even know if the
chair that you’re sitting in is real
and it’s really fucking hard
to be saved by someone when that
isn’t realistic in the slightest
and hollywood knows that as well
because mental illness is not a thing
that can be cured by sappy poems
and chocolate and being told
that you are beautiful
because i was not beautiful
i was chewing holes into
the insides of my cheeks
and worrying bloody grooves into
my lips and dried blood
stuck to all the sleeves of my shirts
and so many sleepless nights
because even with my eyes closed
i still saw every horrible thing
and there was no one to save me
because when i told my mother
between sobbing and shaking so much
that my teeth chattered she looked right at me
and told me that i just had an overactive imagination
and that was when the question of
if i knew that the things i saw weren’t real
became so many other moot points
because crazy is as crazy does
and the things i saw
the things i saw
put so many scars on my arms
because blood is real
and if it bleeds it has to be real
it just has to be
-
Author:
Boaz Priestly (Pseudonym) (
Offline) - Published: October 27th, 2017 14:25
- Comment from author about the poem: This poem is from July 28th, but I haven’t had the time or motivation to write anything new for a little while. I feel it is also important to clarify that I do not experience visual or auditory hallucinations anymore.
- Category: Reflection
- Views: 32
- Users favorite of this poem: James Michael
Offline)
Comments4
you made me cry! this is so powerfully well written
My apologies for the tears, but it is also kinda flattering that my poem resonates this deeply with you. Thank you.
Very strong writing, with a strong ending too. Well penned!
Thank you for the compliment. It means so much.
This was so well written and I commend you for getting it out and sharing it with us. So many people don't understand mental illness. I'm so sorry you went through all that and your mother didn't understand! Very touching story
So much intense introspection in this one. It was surely therapeutic.
I’m going through your work like a slot machine, can’t find any that I don’t like.
If my math is correct, I was 19 when I stuck this poem on here. Though, it feels like I was younger when I wrote it. I haven’t experienced any sort of hallucinations since I was 18. Thank the gods.
Reading it back all these years later was quite cathartic. By you going though my works, it’s giving me a chance to look back at who I used to be, and marvel at how far I’ve come. Thank you for that, my friend!
You’re welcome my friend. I’ve had hallucinations myself during manic psychosis, and truly empathize. Be well.
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