Help Me

Kinda wanna live, mostly wanna die.
No one knows how to respond to my negative
They just get awkward and stare.
They wipe my tears and tell me to think positive.
They don't get why I can't get happy,
They don't understand how I see the world.
I feel like no one wants me,
All I am is an inconvienence.
I'm too loud, too quiet, too weird, too much.
I try to apologize but they say that it's ok.
I don't know why they say that, because it's not ok with me.
All I want to do is cry, and scream and yell and punch.
But in society's eyes I need to hold back my tears, swallow and smile.
I have to get up early to put my makeup on,
When instead I want to wear a sweatshirt and hide away.
I complain about my life, even though I know it's not that bad.
But everything around me seems to weigh like an elephant.
I'm too depressed to be happy, and thinking about others worse off makes me more depressed, that I'm depressed.
When will this viscous cycle end?
I didn't used to be like this, and I hate myself more than ever.
Nothing I can do is right, nothing I can do will get better.
I force myself to go to bed, and force myself to wake up.
My jokes are behind a mask.
No one realizes how seriously heartbroken I am.
Even jokes they say against me I think of for hours, trying to figure out what they meant.
I hear them whisper my name.
It's ok, I know they think the worst of me already.
But no one hates me more than myself.
Every time I try to climb I fall.
Every time I try to open I get shut.
Every time I try to shine I get blocked.
Every time I try to be fearless, I have more reason to fear.
And no one knows how to help.