stimmy

Stimming/Self-stimulation: most common in individuals on the autism spectrum, but also done by those with anxiety, stimming (stim for short) is the act of engaging in repetitive motions--such as rocking, flapping hands, making noises, and touching or chewing on things--as a way to express emotions or self-soothe.

when anxiety has me ensnared

in its clawed and crooked grip

sunk deep into my bones

my spine becomes a rocking chair

pretzel-ing itself into a shape

that knows how to rid this body

of the gritted teeth and shaking hands

and tears that are a near-constant

and burning promise

and this movement

the motion of moving back and forth

planted firmly on mattress

or couch

or carpet

or hardwood floor

it grounds me and soothes the ache

of a mind in turmoil

in a way that unzipping

my flesh never did

but the motion that is heavily

put into practice while standing

is a noticeable thing

that is too calculated and controlled

to be played off as

intoxication or any other substance

to quite the roiling of my thoughts

and when my little sister

looks at me next to her

with fluttering hands and adding new

indents of my teeth into my bottom lip

and asks me why i am rocking

i do not know how to explain the

motion to her in a way that she will

understand and so i make myself stop

by forcing the movement into my leg

and many summers ago

when i sat on the mattress in

the livingroom of my father’s apartment

that was also my bedroom

and began to rock back and forth

to quell the rising tide of anxiety

from the anger in his eyes and voice

and he snapped at me to

“stop being such an aspie homo”

my only response was to

rock faster and bite back the

tears that threatened to

drown the both of us