I miss you before alcohol arrived
I miss seeing the shine in your eyes when you laughed. Instead, it's a glazed over a haze of despair. I used to love to see you shine and lit up. But instead, it's been replaced with emptiness and shallow shell you have berried yourself in. The Laughter I use to hear from you now it's replaced with rage and sadness and unexplained hate you created inside.
An empty expression with no reaction. Your hands use to be warm and soft, now cold and fragile about to break. I dread the smell on your breath, ALCOHOL. Seems to be the corporate sucking away your life. I try to understand but I don't. A shattered home that was so firmly built on a solid foundation now slowly falling crumbled because you want to be numbed from reality.
Holidays no longer are cheerful but now full sadness, watching you trying to stay awake and stumbling over your words, I can’t even have a simple conversation with you that would make any sense. I sat there feeling hopeless, not knowing what to say. But instead of limbo like the rest ignoring you stumbling through the hallways, coming up with excuses why you were doing this.
You chipped and chipped away our family till it was paper thin. Your rage hurt us all. Your words killed a little bit each time. Can’t you see what you’re doing! But the only excuse you have is, "I’m hurting only me". Your rage affected everyone, making excuses why it was okay. Sorry, don’t mean the same, or your tears that you shamelessly fake. The lies you make, have overseen any truth you had to say.
The destruction you have created pulling our family under with you. Tiring any good memories that we may have of you down like a twister ready to destroy anything in its way. My children won't ever know the person I once knew, or hear the lively voice that once had confidence instead they ask if your drunk today? or if it's okay to play with you around. They will never know how it felt to know how you use to be. Instead, you allow yourself to slowly fade and let the bottle and pills consume any strength you may have left. I try to hide how I am feeling hoping things will change, the little hope I have for you is slowly going away.
I tried to understand it repeating it over and over in my head, this anger I've belt up of you has only increased. I feel ashamed, I feel this much hatred about you. I try to forgive you, but I haven't felt it yet? I feel like I’m at the last thread holding on till the last pieces of cloth that as Frayed about to break. Any thought or memory I have left of you has only made me angry. I don't like feeling this way. I've blocked you from my memories and my thoughts, but it seems to not cure the feeling of feeling alone and empty.
All I wanted was a mom that was proud of me, nothing I do makes you happy, none of my accomplishments Faze you, instead you think I’m trying to compete against you I’ll never understand you, or probably ever forgive you, more of an empty feeling that could never be filled. Avoid that could never have or ever had, I’ve tried repeatedly retracing my tracks what I did wrong to be treated like a problem, all I wanted was your attention to be loved and excepted, but you never gave me that chance, maybe I acted out because all I wanted was a mom! something I will never have. I've come to terms that I'll never be equal or never be what you've wanted. And I've cut that last string I was holding on for so long and for once I feel complete and at peace with who I am. Maybe one day I will forgive you but I won’t let it hinder me, instead, I will grow like a flower from the cracks and ill shine no matter how many times you may leave cracks in this concrete flowers will always come between and always grow and strive.
Hello, sunflower,
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Author:
Confia.En.Tu.Corazon 87 (
Offline) - Published: November 28th, 2017 01:13
- Comment from author about the poem: I wrote this poem last. Thanksgiving, When I felt hopeless how I felt about my mother, I felt like a bird in a cage at the time the only way to release how I felt was to write how I felt at the time, It refers to my mother and her alcoholism and drug abuse I often grew up with.
- Category: Family
- Views: 124
- Users favorite of this poem: Accidental Poet, PoeticPsycho, Syd
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Comments3
Touching feel much the same, that when I found the peyote way church 🙂 Google it maybe
Thank you, Ill be sure to look it up thank you for the recommendation.
A very sad story of the relationship between you and your mother. Have you expressed your feelings to her? I have a 91 year old father who at times is more than a handful. So I know it isn't easy to talk to parents. They can feel offended so easily when you're not trying to offend them. I wish you both better times together in understanding and acceptance. I think she needs you as much as you have needed her all these years.
I wish I could rekindle that relationship with my mother, it is very hard to talk to her I try. And try to see her point of view and often put how I feel to the side, but it is hard when its a one-sided road. I've come to terms that I just have to accept her the way she is. I pray to got often about her hope God would help her change the way she thinks or why she thinks the way she does. But the best thing for me to do is to try to forgive her and that peace to me knowing I love her either way.Remember this quote I saw in a movie called "Smoke signals" How do we forgive our fathers? maybe in a dream do we forgive our fathers for leaving us too often or forever when we were little? maybe for scaring us with unexpected rage or making us nervous because there never seemed to be any rage there at all. Do we forgive our fathers for marring of not marrying our mothers? For divorcing or not divorcing our mothers? and shall we forgive them for their excess of warmth or coldness? Shall we forgive them for pushing or leaning for shutting doors for speaking through walls or never speaking or being silent? Do we forgive our fathers in our age or in their or in their deaths saying it to them or not saying it? If we forgive our fathers what is left. ("How do we forgive our fathers" by Dick Lourie)" If had so much truth to it I've always thought of that quote when I looked at her. Sometimes people create the hopelessness in them trying to save them will make them destruction to themselves and people around them. But i do enjoy you sweetness and kindness words you have shared. thank you Accidental Poet.
I understand completely how you feel, and the quote is spot on. Just keep on doing the best you can. (((HUGS))) ~ AP.
❤
I love your poem. I am blessed to say that I have not lost my parents to alcohol but I do come from a family in which alcoholism is prominent. It seems as if it was a bad habit passed down from generation to generation as a way of escaping the intergenerational trauma that has also been passed down. When I was little my grandpa lived with my parents and I, and I was very close to him. At a young age I knew about his alcohol habits because he was a violent drunk. So addicted to alcohol that he would drink even rubbing alcohol. Eventually he got locked up and served a prison sentence when I was young, and got sent back to Mexico. There are many many examples in my family where the alcohol has killed. Anyways, sorry to write so much about myself, I love your poem, and the way you word it. If you don't mind, I'd like for you to check out acouple of my poems and just let me know what you think? It would be much appreciated, have a blessed one.
Thank you so much PoeticPsycho, Alcohol is a disease that destroys anything in its path, it is very sad. But all we can do is be hopeful people will change in time before it's too late. I would love to read your poems I would be honored.
Thank you,
PoeticPsycho.
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