I miss you before alcohol arrived

I miss seeing the shine in your eyes when you laughed. Instead, it's a glazed over a haze of despair. I used to love to see you shine and lit up. But instead, it's been replaced with emptiness and shallow shell you have berried yourself in. The Laughter I use to hear from you now it's replaced with rage and sadness and unexplained hate you created inside.

An empty expression with no reaction. Your hands use to be warm and soft, now cold and fragile about to break. I dread the smell on your breath, ALCOHOL. Seems to be the corporate sucking away your life. I try to understand but I don't. A shattered home that was so firmly built on a solid foundation now slowly falling crumbled because you want to be numbed from reality.

 Holidays no longer are cheerful but now full sadness, watching you trying to stay awake and stumbling over your words, I can’t even have a simple conversation with you that would make any sense. I sat there feeling hopeless, not knowing what to say. But instead of limbo like the rest ignoring you stumbling through the hallways, coming up with excuses why you were doing this.

You chipped and chipped away our family till it was paper thin. Your rage hurt us all. Your words killed a little bit each time. Can’t you see what you’re doing! But the only excuse you have is, "I’m hurting only me". Your rage affected everyone, making excuses why it was okay. Sorry, don’t mean the same, or your tears that you shamelessly fake. The lies you make, have overseen any truth you had to say.

The destruction you have created pulling our family under with you. Tiring any good memories that we may have of you down like a twister ready to destroy anything in its way. My children won't ever know the person I once knew, or hear the lively voice that once had confidence instead they ask if your drunk today? or if it's okay to play with you around. They will never know how it felt to know how you use to be. Instead, you allow yourself to slowly fade and let the bottle and pills consume any strength you may have left. I try to hide how I am feeling hoping things will change, the little hope I have for you is slowly going away.

 I tried to understand it repeating it over and over in my head, this anger I've belt up of you has only increased. I feel ashamed, I feel this much hatred about you. I try to forgive you, but I haven't felt it yet? I feel like I’m at the last thread holding on till the last pieces of cloth that as Frayed about to break. Any thought or memory I have left of you has only made me angry. I don't like feeling this way. I've blocked you from my memories and my thoughts, but it seems to not cure the feeling of feeling alone and empty.

All I wanted was a mom that was proud of me, nothing I do makes you happy, none of my accomplishments Faze you, instead you think I’m trying to compete against you I’ll never understand you, or probably ever forgive you, more of an empty feeling that could never be filled. Avoid that could never have or ever had, I’ve tried repeatedly retracing my tracks what I did wrong to be treated like a problem, all I wanted was your attention to be loved and excepted, but you never gave me that chance, maybe I acted out because all I wanted was a mom! something I will never have. I've come to terms that I'll never be equal or never be what you've wanted. And I've cut that last string I was holding on for so long and for once I feel complete and at peace with who I am. Maybe one day I will forgive you but I won’t let it hinder me, instead, I will grow like a flower from the cracks and ill shine no matter how many times you may leave cracks in this concrete flowers will always come between and always grow and strive.

Hello, sunflower,