Dating With Disorders

I get scared, scared that he will leave me.
Scared that he will get more and more annoyed with my mental illnesses and it will eventually drive him away. I start noticing things, things like how I don't get as much affection or attention the way I used to. I wonder what happened? Is it starting to happen now? The thought of him leaving is so agonizing and makes my stomach all queasy. I blame myself for everything, I can no longer keep telling myself that maybe we are past the honeymoon phase. I hide certain stuff because I don't want to make it worse and drive him further away with my problems. He wants me to talk, but my mind is telling me to keep quiet. I start feeling stuck because both keeping quiet or acting up could cause him to possibly choose the door. The situation becomes more messy, I don't know what to choose. My mind goes on over drive searching for the answers, but all I get is more worry and confusion. I've been thinking way too much, but it's too late. I so desperately want to tell him my thoughts, but have learned a new way. I've forgot how to speak, something I used to be a pro at. What is wrong with me? Am I even loveable? Do people like me and eventually just get tired of me so they either leave or drastically change? My thoughts get more and more negative, he is dating my disorders.