Emotionless Soul

Why did I do it I knew it was wrong,
The risk I took for a small thrill has not paid off,
My heart is broken,
A retching feeling of pain,
A longing to feel, to exist, a longing to be to be valued, loved, understood,
Words can’t explain how my heart feels,
Death doesn’t seem so bad,
People want me, love me but it’s not enough, I need to be understood.

How can I feel like this when a human life to be born of me is about to happen?
I feel dead to it, to her to him, regardless, I feel nothing, no joy, no excitement just anticipation at the hopeless feeling of feeling hopeless and an emotionless soul.

It doesn’t deserve this, it doesn’t deserve me, it deserves more; love, touch, forgiveness, it deserves a father, not me.

I want to be that but I can’t. I’m a selfish emotionless soulless being drifting through a life with no purpose, no regard, probably not a life but an existence.

That’s me. But no ones knows; I smile, I say words, I build people, I impact lives, I give them time, I shoulder their pain, I am their confidant, their rock, their source of knowledge, their sounding board. I am dependable. But yet as much as I am these things I am also not.

I’m selfish, unforgiving, unloving, undependable, I’m an emotionless soul.