calvary

for i determined to know nothing among you
except Jesus Christ, and him crucified 

                                                                                 - 1 Corinthians 2:2 

The Calvary Pentecostal church 

Was home to a rag tag army 
Of nine to seventeen 
Year olds, searching for a home
Where there was no need for ID 
And they could be back
In time for supper. 

Adorned in red banner, 
Red like bloodied palms, 
The font a rippling white 
Teaching young minds to spell: 
J-E-S-U-S. 
You can spell anything, 
If you can spell this. 
A door on the side, 
A welcoming space. 
A room. A TV. 
Familiar faces. 

And the faces learnt our faces
Based on which expression
They wore when it was time
For Bible verses. 
Stop your playing for just
A moment. 
Lets remember why we came. 
Some expressions were more tense - 
They prayed for the prayer to end. 
But I wore a smile, 
Closed my eyes, 
Best friend's skinny arm 
Crooked in mine. 

She and I 
Were landmarks of the place. 
A two minute walk
From her house and mine, 
Every Saturday became 
A ritual. 
We discussed theology over 
Milkshakes, 
Ten years of naivety  
Loitering above our straws.
A thousand questions
Ate the air that leaked in
From outdoors.

"Do dogs go to heaven?" 
Probably. 

"Do I need to be baptised?" 
Absolutely. 

"Is being gay wrong?"
(They were too afraid to answer
That one.) 

"And..." 

"Do you go to hell if you kill yourself?" 
A certain yes, cold and detached 
From picture frames of dead kids 
On caskets
That this army could become. 

I didn't want to believe it, 
But, regardless, I did. 

They bent me to pursue 
The path that "only goes up" 
(or at least that's what
the handbook claims). 
I signed myself over, 
I changed into their shoes. 
I needed steel toe caps
If I planned to march for You. 
I wove a shield out of my hair. 
My best friend 
Built castles with her baby teeth. 
They armed us with swords.

My keyboard was sunken in
Where my fingers had spelled
S-A-T-A-N
Maybe a little too often.

Google, search for cults. 
Google, search Illuminati. 
Google, list of pop stars who
Aren't trying to turn me onto
The path of the devil, please, 
Because my music library 
Is nothing but Joseph
And Bluetree. 

Google, Vigilant Citizen: 
Every article on every sin
I didn't know was a sin
And I inevitably 
Accidentally 
Somehow will commit again. 
And when you're done with that, 
search Devil. 
Not on the internet, 
But in my house. 
In my mind. 
Because they told me that 
He can wear a goat's face
And has a thousand eyes 
And I don't know if 
I love God enough 
To keep him out. 

Meditation is a sin - 
If you slow your breaths 
You'll let Lucifer in. 
And well, when he 
Kisses you to suck out your soul, 
They won't be there to say
They told you so. 
They said that the tempter
Could shake me awake
And stand watching 
While my body turns to stone.
So I stopped sleeping.
I'm a better Christian when
I keep my eyes open. 

Crosses sharpened into stakes 
Shoved into my mind 
And flashed images
Onto the back of my eyes
Of those who burn burn burn
And the way and the why. 
Rapture swallowing cities - 
The people left behind. 

This reminds me 
Of MK Ultra, 
But those words 
Stay in my mouth. 
I swallow them.
I know that it is not right. 
Satan can't use mind control,
But if God does it, that's fine! 

It looks a little too white in here: 
White walls, white circle of chairs. 
I feel like a patient
Ready to be handed the next meal. 
The Pentecost has no menu - 
You must eat what you are served. 

Even I, my best friend, both
Dressed in white. 
I wear my halo for them, 
Home made: black tape 
Adorned with twinkling 
Blue lights. 
And what stunning angels 
Young girls make - 
The pure faces of 
The congregation, 
The new generation of 
Disciples, not a Judas
Among them. 

The nativity plays out 
The same way it always does, 
But I feel the weight of 
Jesus on my shoulders. 
(He's like a parrot 
Who only speaks in tongues.) 

Time stretched out and I 
Felt not one doubt 
For their regime. 
But then, 
Came Claire. 

Claire with blonde hair. 
Ex-goth. 
Ex-sinner. 
Carer of disabled brother. 
Heart of gold, or
It was as far as I know. 
I called her an idol - 
Maybe that was why you made her leave. 
Maybe you noticed
How she symbolised God to me. 
But did you see
The tears spill down her cheeks 
When you dismissed her services, 
Careless of feeling or reason? 

You cast the shadow on my faith then
And the final straw
Was the moving van
Outside my best friends house
Just weeks after.

And so, 
I got my money's worth from a trip. 
I rode down the slope 
In a tire, 
Back down from "The Path 
Which Doth Only Go Up". 
(I suppose I should have read
The terms and conditions.)
I got home
With a fresh coat of paint 
And I fell asleep with ease,
No demons watching me. 

There is a bible that you gave me, 
Now a waste of trees. 
I tore the pages from that Bible
And filled the leather case
With false idols. 
That was my way 
Of letting God know 
That my decision was final.