my secret truth

My heart is broken it has been broken for a very long time and yet it continues to break I live a life of regrets of fear and of loneliness my heart is confused and too quick to trust those who say they love me forever turn their backs to me refusing and pretending not to see what is right before them my soul is blind and willingly gives out my heart to whomever shows the slightest bit of compassion for me I spend my days in so much pain and loneliness that the only times I feel the least bit free is when I am sleeping I have such a high respect for life and my drive to protect it would not allow for me to end my own if I were to ever battle the enemy's offer of suicide although I cannot take my own life does not mean that death is not on my mind I find myself praying to God to please bring me home take me peacefully in my sleep so that I may be with Him I believe God put me here to preserve life and I have failed how can I protect His creations when I no longer want the life He gave me I have abused and ruined His temple and I have allowed Lucifer into my mind where he has planted his seed and although I fight him daily I can feel myself losing slipping deeper into his darkness until that one day I will fall and lose to him lost forever and unable to obtain the thing I want most I do not want a new car or to go to a fancy school I do not wish to reunite with those from my past and I do not wish to meet new people even the special ones who will make an impact on my life I wish to close my eyes and dream that I am floating in a beautiful body of water only to open them and find that I am finally home and that my heart can be at peace.