IM not OKAY

It’s funny how you say I stop caring when I never stopped. You send vids of you with your new dude and what yal did I laugh and play it off while in reality my heart  dropped the moment i hit play. I swore off that I didn’t and don’t need you that I’ll find me another better boo. But, all I want is you.. back in my arms so I can hold you tight through the night and tell you how everything will be alright. I want you to be mines...again not just a friend but, my forever or at least until then. I try to keep up a face and not lose my composure. But, it’s hard to smile and be happy when your reason for all your happy moments is gone. So I sit alone in my room and think about what I lost. Wishing that it was like a lost and found that once I find you I can make you mines again. But, someone else has already found the keys to your heart so now I am just stuck as your friend. Which is a painful position that makes me feel so powerless bcuz I can’t say the things that I want to say. So I’m just sitting here going from day to day with no purpose bcuz I now find life worthless without the person who made all my woes go away. I’m dead on the inside while the outside Decays away people start to see how hurt I am and offer assuring words like “I’m here for you” and “You can find better!” I wanna tell back I don’t want better I want what I had. But, I can’t bcuz my voice doesn’t work on those moments. So I just tuck my emotions away in a bag and try to forget that they’re there. I’m so use to this it becomes second nature to me. I mean I get to be someone that i am not. I get to be someone fake. Someone who isn’t really me. Someone who will make everyone else believe that He’s fine 🙂 while I'm secretly crying myself to sleep on the inside I’m dying. Barely holding onto what’s left of me. Sometimes I think I maybe letting go is what’s best for me. So I do and now I sink into the darkness that I once feared as if it is my new home. I let it consume me until there is nothing left. And they I make the best of what I have. Not caring anymore  bcuz, the feeling I once had have disappeared and are gone without a trace so I now face the world With another face that isn’t mine. Just so I can convince them that I am ....fine