Winter in My Heart

She gave me her love
but I couldn’t accept it,
I thought she’d take it away
and I would sorely regret it.

She kissed me gently
and I turned away,
She asked how I felt,
I had nothing to say.

She reached for me
and I withdrew;
She said, “I only want
to be with you.”

I looked at her softly,
then I closed my eyes,
same response as always,
she wasn’t surprised.

How can I tell her
I don’t know how to feel,
I have love in my heart
but I’m not sure that it’s real?

Spring turns to summer
then autumn plays its part
but no matter what I do or what I say
it’s always winter in my heart.

She brought home some passion
to rekindle my fire,
but other than the physical pleasure
I had no desire...

No desire for love,
I didn’t want to hold hands
I wouldn’t look to the future,
she was not in my plans.

I couldn’t trust her to love her,
although she loved me completely,
she thought that if she loved me
that her love would defeat me.

I looked at her solemnly
and to her I said,
all of the words
that often swirl in my head.

“My beautiful... friend,
I cannot give what I do not possess,
I do not know love, for me...
betrayal is best.

I am... the Ice Prince,
I am... devoid of emotion,
my kisses spell death
to the likes of love and devotion.

I have... an old soul,
it’s both my blessing and curse,
so the love that you feel for me
can never come first.

I care for you deeply,
I swear that I do,
I could tell you ‘I love you’
but it wouldn’t be true.

You’re better off catching dreams
in the palm of your hand,
because the freezing depths of my heart
you could never withstand.

I could take all of your love
and I could be with you only,
but at the end of your lifeline
you’d be broken and lonely.”

She looked at me sadly
with tender tears in her eyes,
she ran from me, fled from me...
I wasn’t surprised.

Several weeks later
when after work I came home,
all of her belongings were gone
and I was there all alone.

A note in the bathroom
was all that remained,
her shade of lipstick on the mirror
is where she wrote out her pain,

“To my dearly beloved,
it’s with great pain that I write this,
but if my guess is correct,
my presence you do not miss.

I gave ALL that I had,
I gave you all that I could,
I gave you more love
than any one person should.

I know the depths of your pain
and what fuels your deep inner sorrow,
I wanted to bear it,
I wanted to be your tomorrow,

But you just wouldn’t let me
you were so self absorbed,
I got nothing in return
for all the love that I poured.

Now I know that you wanted
a bitter goodbye,
you wanted me to be angry
and with no tears in my eyes.

But I won’t renege on the love
that I promised to you.
I might be saying goodbye
but I’m sad and I’m blue.

No words can’t describe
and no emotion can measure
the love that I have for you,
you’re really losing a treasure.

I pray you’ll come around
and that you’ll soon clear your head,
come claim the love that’s yours
when the Ice Prince is dead.

The love in my heart,
it can’t wait forever,
I can’t promise I’ll be here,
so we might not be together.

Believe that I love you
it hurts so much to depart
and that all the love I have for you
can’t overcome the winter in you heart.”

I closed my eyes and I felt
an indescribable feeling
somewhere deep in my heart,
the ice was revealing,

An inner warmth and a feeling
of deeply rooted emotions,
a need to be loved
and a desire for devotion.

The woman I love,
I let slip away...
My reflection looks accusingly,
I have nothing to say.

The Ice Prince is dead,
I can feel it, ‘he’s gone!’
But look how I’ve aged,
he’s been gone for so long.

I rushed from the house,
going to Church for Confession
but I can’t get inside
because of the wedding procession

I finally make it inside
and sit in the very last pew,
I glimpse the bride as she passes
and to my horror, it’s you.

You look into my row
and our eyes lock with a start,
and in a flash every scene plays
that was buried deep in my heart.

I find myself reaching
but I fail and I falter
when next I look at you
you’re standing there at the altar.

“If these two shouldn’t marry,
I ask that you speak now,”
the minister beseeched,
but I just held my head down.

I wanted you, needed you,
but I couldn’t deny
another man who adores
what I failed to see in your eyes.

Your wedding vows were said,
and your devotions exchanged,
It’s not me that you’re marrying
and it’s so painfully strange.

All eyes are upon me
as I’m standing here crying,
the final block of ice chips away
and I feel like I’m dying.

I stand outside of the church
In the warmth of the golden sun showers
and I watch as you pass
and you toss your bouquet of flowers.

You walk up to me
before you float out of my life,
and I can’t help but be jealous and covet,
another man’s wife.

“I can see that you’re sad
and I know you’ve been crying,
you’re such a beautiful man
of that there is no denying.

You’re hurting right now
and I’m not going to gloat,
I longed to be there in your castle
I wanted to dry up that moat.

But I know someday if you let it,
your heart will find love,
and all the joy you deserve
that you’ve never dreamt of.

And I for my part,
deep in my heart I will miss you,
I’ll cry tears of joy
and dab my eyes with a tissue.”

Finally she said
as she turned to depart,
“So this is what it took
to melt the ice in your heart?!”

I watched as she rode away
to the life I refused to give her,
I thought I would be bitter
but I only longed to be with her.

A tear rolled down my cheek
and dried in the summer air;
No more crying, no more dying
now my heart has love to share.

Now the seasons still change,
Summer and Spring and Autumn still plays its part;
But I vow to hold on to true love
for there’s no Winter in my heart.

By: Nathaniel A. Booker, Sr.
“Genius under Construction”

Copyright ©️2010 Nathaniel Booker