i like to think that
i know you like the
back of my hand
but the only thing
the peaks and valleys of
your body do for me
is make me nauseous
this is a landscape
that my hands cannot
explore without shaking
fingers curling into useless fists
that only know how to
try and pummel this soft flesh
into a shape it was not
originally born in to
and there are no more
trees here now
because the force of my
hatred towards this body
burned them all down
because this body is not
a temple or a church i
feel able to worship in
since this is not a god
i want to believe in
because believing in a god
that would zip me into this skin
and just watch as i try
to cut my way out of it
for nine years
six of those being with sharp edges
and jagged nails
and purple hollows under my eyes
there is no beauty in that
it is hard to write beautiful
poetry about a body i
spent more time hating and
feeling trapped in than i did
knowing how to live happily
but my god i am trying
i promise that i am
even if my hands shake
while trying to hold
the her that i used to be
close
-
Author:
Boaz Priestly (Pseudonym) (
Offline) - Published: December 29th, 2017 03:27
- Comment from author about the poem: Heeey, I'm not dead, and my dysphoria is absolute shit *finger guns*
- Category: Forgiveness
- Views: 65
- Users favorite of this poem: Aislinn Wilson
Offline)
Comments4
I feel, whether we are any one of LGBT, or straight, or whatever we are, that we need to accept the body we have. We've been given it.
Sometimes I think - Would I do this or that to someone else's body? And the answer is no.
Look, I know you mean well with your comment, but that’s not how it works for so many people.
I’ve felt like a boy since I was 7 years old. You have no idea how terrifying that is for a child.
There is no accepting my girl body because that is a serious detriment to my mental health and personal wellbeing. I spent six years cutting myself because I couldn’t cope with how going through female puberty changed my body.
So, while you can’t imagine purposely harming your body, I’ve lived it. I’ve lived it through knives and pills and purposely wearing my binder for too long.
So, if what you get out of this poem is that we all need to accept our bodies as they were given, you clearly did not read it thoroughly enough. Because, the fact of the matter is, if for whatever reason I were unable to continue with Testosterone shots and eventually get top surgery, I would kill myself.
I cannot accept my body, because the most I can do is try to live in it until my outsides reflect my insides.
(This comment is definitely not the nicest I’ve ever left, but my insomnia and extreme gender dysphoria kept me up until 3AM, and I just woke up to this comment, so the curtness of my reply doesn’t really bother me all that much. Also, it’s LGBTQ, not LGBT).
I feel I can understand this, even though I've not experienced it myself. Well, if it's want you really want - to change from girl to boy - it's your choice. It seems a drastic, and a painful road to take - painful emotionally and physically.
With all due respect, if you yourself are not transgender, you quite literally not understand what being trans is like at all.
It’s also not “changing from a girl to a boy,” I’ve felt like a boy longer than I thought I was a girl. I am using medical and surgical means to achieve this, which could be considered a change. But it’s really never that simple at all.
Also, please with that whole “drastic” shtick. A cisgender female is able to get a boob job at 18. To get top and/or bottom surgery, a trans person has to spend months seeing a gender therapist, obtain a letter from that therapist, and then get a referral from their doctor (that deals with transgender people specifically), all to get a consultation with a plastic surgeon. There are multiple steps to this process, and they just keep on growing.
Let me tell you what would actually be drastic, as I mentioned above, if I am unable to continue medically and surgically transitioning, I will take my own life. THAT is drastic.
Taking steps to make my personal life worth living a real and tangible thing, that is not drastic at all.
And I am both thankful, and envious, that you are unable to understand that.
Completely agree with Lawless. While I feel comfortable in my body, I do not regard it as something important. It is just a shell, to be left behind, while the real me will be going on. I do feel for you and do hope your shots and surgery will work out ok. And I do hope that you will be happy once you look the way you feel.
Thank you so much for your kind words
You're an amazing writer. This is tragic, but it's so well told and written. You're clearly someone of great talent
This is an absolutely fantastic thing to read on a school day that started at 8:30AM. Thank you so much for complimenting my work and myself as a creator. It means a lot.
This poem really spoke to me, as someone who has been absolutely pummeled by dysphoria and internalized transphobia and transphobia from others. It's frustrating. I hope you have a fantastic day/night (along with anyone else who reads this)
I think I wrote this in 2017. Five years later, I’ve had top surgery and just had my 5.5 year anniversary of being on testosterone. My gender dysphoria did not outlive my gender euphoria. I hope you are able to continue healing and celebrating the beautiful transgender life you are living.
That literally makes me so happy hearing that ur living your best life! also, I do plan to get those done in the future. ur so awesome, thank you 😀
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