queer-with-a-pen

this body/my body

i like to think that

i know you like the

back of my hand

but the only thing

the peaks and valleys of

your body do for me

is make me nauseous

 

this is a landscape

that my hands cannot

explore without shaking

fingers curling into useless fists

that only know how to

try and pummel this soft flesh

into a shape it was not

originally born in to

 

and there are no more

trees here now

because the force of my

hatred towards this body

burned them all down

because this body is not

a temple or a church i

feel able to worship in

since this is not a god

i want to believe in

 

because believing in a god

that would zip me into this skin

and just watch as i try

to cut my way out of it

for nine years

six of those being with sharp edges

and jagged nails

and purple hollows under my eyes

there is no beauty in that

 

it is hard to write beautiful

poetry about a body i

spent more time hating and

feeling trapped in than i did

knowing how to live happily

 

but my god i am trying

i promise that i am

even if my hands shake

while trying to hold

the her that i used to be

close

Comments3

  • orchidee

    I feel, whether we are any one of LGBT, or straight, or whatever we are, that we need to accept the body we have. We've been given it.
    Sometimes I think - Would I do this or that to someone else's body? And the answer is no.

    • queer-with-a-pen

      Look, I know you mean well with your comment, but that’s not how it works for so many people.
      I’ve felt like a boy since I was 7 years old. You have no idea how terrifying that is for a child.
      There is no accepting my girl body because that is a serious detriment to my mental health and personal wellbeing. I spent six years cutting myself because I couldn’t cope with how going through female puberty changed my body.
      So, while you can’t imagine purposely harming your body, I’ve lived it. I’ve lived it through knives and pills and purposely wearing my binder for too long.
      So, if what you get out of this poem is that we all need to accept our bodies as they were given, you clearly did not read it thoroughly enough. Because, the fact of the matter is, if for whatever reason I were unable to continue with Testosterone shots and eventually get top surgery, I would kill myself.
      I cannot accept my body, because the most I can do is try to live in it until my outsides reflect my insides.
      (This comment is definitely not the nicest I’ve ever left, but my insomnia and extreme gender dysphoria kept me up until 3AM, and I just woke up to this comment, so the curtness of my reply doesn’t really bother me all that much. Also, it’s LGBTQ, not LGBT).

      • orchidee

        I feel I can understand this, even though I've not experienced it myself. Well, if it's want you really want - to change from girl to boy - it's your choice. It seems a drastic, and a painful road to take - painful emotionally and physically.

      • 1 more comment

      • FredPeyer

        Completely agree with Lawless. While I feel comfortable in my body, I do not regard it as something important. It is just a shell, to be left behind, while the real me will be going on. I do feel for you and do hope your shots and surgery will work out ok. And I do hope that you will be happy once you look the way you feel.

        • queer-with-a-pen

          Thank you so much for your kind words

        • Aislinn Wilson

          You're an amazing writer. This is tragic, but it's so well told and written. You're clearly someone of great talent

          • queer-with-a-pen

            This is an absolutely fantastic thing to read on a school day that started at 8:30AM. Thank you so much for complimenting my work and myself as a creator. It means a lot.



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