Emotions

I do not understand emotions.

It is difficult for me to form my own,

so I fake them.

I take the ones I observe in books, in movies, in TV,

and hide behind the ones that appeal to me.

Fake emotions become my battle armour,

my shield and sword.

 

I hide behind smartass comments that I've taken from today's media

because I don't know how else to respond to most things.

I often find myself unable to emotionally connect to people

and I'm terrified that I will never be able to fall in love.

 

My friends notice,

they try to accommodate.

But more often than not it looks like I am bored,

More often than not it looks like I am disinterested.

Because, in my fatigue, I put away the armour

I hung my sword and shield on the wall

 

I know I have to wear the armour,

the armour keeps me safe

But I wish I could put it away for just a little bit.

I want throw it out,

get rid of my sword and shield,

and just let go.

But I cannot

 

Because in this world,

it's fight or flight,

it's kill or be killed,

it's every man for himself.

It is in human nature to see weakness

and exploit it.

 

My lack of understanding for emotion is just that:

a weakness.

So I put on my armour as I brush my teeth in the morning,

I heft my shield like the bag on my back,

I hold my sword at the ready.

 

Because I must claw,

and kick,

and fight to survive.

So that's what I'll do.

 

I do not understand emotions.

So I fake them.