The Things I Wish I Could Tell You

Dear Mom,

          I am writing this because I spent most of my life trying to fill in the blanks since you have been gone. I was such a rebellious child from such an early age. I can say that I got that trait from you. I don't remember what things I did as a kid to make you love me so much to amount to the hell I put you through growing up. Sticking with me when I wanted to die, you trying to rescue me from all the evils in the world, but most importantly the evil that I was battling in myself. I'll never forget laying in your hospital bed after you just got done with your 2nd round of chemo and taking pictures of you telling you how beautiful you were even know you didn't have any hair. Your rebellious 19 year old. I'm writing this because I want to tell you how strong you are, and how strong I wish I could of been for you. When you died I shut everyone and everything out. A bottle became my only friend and I never felt more alone in the world. I lost my best friend. I lost my mother and my father the night you died. I never got to ignore your phone calls because you were so overbearing to worry thinking I wasn't okay so you kept calling until your heard from me, and if I didn't let you know I was okay you would drive to the end of the world to make sure I was safe. I never got to introduce you to girls that you would tell me were bad for me and I wouldn't believe you until I got my heart broken. I am angry because I am living my life without my best friend in it. Because I am living my life part way. All the pictures I took without you. All the missed opportunity's I had to spend time with you. I feel like I am missing out on apart of being a man without you here. Like a part of me is laying in your hospital bed with you holding on to your cold corpse screaming for you not to go. You were so beautiful, it's insane to think anybody is as beautiful as you can existed on this earth. I wish you were here. I wish you could see the man I became. I wish I could know how proud of me you are. I wish I could put the roses I get every year in your hands instead of in our family cemetery in Florida with stones that have your last name name on it. But no matter how sick you were all you wanted to do was tell me how much you loved me. Always making me feel so special, so smart, that no matter all the hell I put you through growing up, that I turned out okay, against all odds, against what everyone said I would be. Growing up people always told you I wouldn't live to be 18. That I would be in prison. That I wouldn't graduate. That I wouldn't amount to anything. That I would be a addict and a junkie. That I would never find love in the world. No matter what, you always believed in me. I feel like I will always be your 8 year old pea pie with a mind of his own, that doesn't take orders and doesn't put up with peoples bullshit that's still waiting for his mother to wake up and tell him that everything will be okay. I'm writing this because I will never love someone as much as I miss you. 

Love,

Your Rebellious Son