Gatsbys Green Light

I am not the person to fall in love at first site. As much as I love Disney movies being an adult means living in reality and living in reality unfortunately means accepting the fact that things take time. People change, and most importantly the world is not all the lies you were told as a kid. It is full of dark, mean, cruel people and dark things. So why is it that I fall in love with you eyes every time I see them. It's like I can see the weight of the world in them. I can see all the painful and beautiful things I have ever imagined and wanted in a woman. It is beautiful and terrifying at the same time. Why is it that I fall in love with your smile and all I ever think about when we conversate is making you laugh or saying something funny or corny in hopes just to get a chance of seeing it. Why is it my priority to check my phone to see if I have any notifications from you first thing in the morning. Why is it when I am trying to sleep if I hear my phone even vibrate, I check it just in hopes to see if I have something from you. Does these things make me crazy? I ask myself that all the time. There is a lot of things in this life that I know how to do and things that I am very good at. But chasing after someone, wanting someone, catching and sending signals, having a chance or opportunity with someone, etc. Those are some things that I have always not been good at. Is it because deep down when I really care about someone it scares the living shit out of me because it gives that person the ability to hurt me? Is it because I am afraid I will mess it up and the opportunity will slip through my fingers like loose sand on a beach or is it because how can I want someone and see a possibility of loving someone when I don't even love myself... I'm not sure, but I know when I am talking to you I feel some type of way. I feel different. I feel happy and extremely nervous. Kind of like the way you feel when you get butterflys in your stomach. And the worst part about this entire situation isn't that I am craving you, its that I am craving you and I am 6,000 miles away. I have a month to figure out what I am going to do when I see you and put my arms around you. How do I act? What do I say? What if she doesn't feel the same? What if I say something stupid? What if i blow it? What if I freeze up and can't get any words out? Fuck, this caring shit is really hard. I have felt some type of way about this woman for years, and yet here I am freaking out because the thought of blowing an opportunity that I don't even know I have or not is scaring me. You know, men in my generation for the most part don't have a clue about chivalry and courting a woman. And that really pisses me off, because men forgot how to be men. Most men or should I say guys are just looking for a beautiful woman with some pretty legs to get in between. I know I have always been different on the soul purpose that I emotionally invest myself into a woman. I put in effort, time, and give it my all. Something that most men don't do these days. So I understand that I may not be the first man to want her, hug her, or kiss her. But my god I want to be the last.