bristles

I crush a little white lighter
under my little white thumb
like the body of a helpless
little white bug
under a big man’s boot
(big man’s boot
stepping into my room
big man’s boot)
an orange spark shyly
rears it’s head
turning my little white flesh
red, burning paper
singeing my teeth
(teeth
I remember I had forgotten
to brush my teeth
but too late now
too dark
his arm too heavy
I’ve never met a man
so much like a cage
and I a bird, flushed
feathers plucked
teeth still unbrushed)

a breath of life
escapes my thigh
formidable red
grinning vampire lips dripping
virgin blood onto virgin snow
I swipe it clean
with virgin hands
(his hands are tougher than mine
so much tougher than mine
they form an iron grip
on my thigh
he just laughs
the favourite clown of every class
pinching and pulling at flesh
is his opening act
and I am on a tightrope
netless
eyes closed
dreaming of soap

I fill up my cauldron
pure lava scalding enough
to melt devil flesh
so pray it can kill
my every sin
(I was too young to sin
and yet
I learnt them all
(night time play time
supposed to be fun
“I can be daddy
and you can be mum”)
soap in my mouth
soap in my eyes
scrub his boot prints off the tiles
his claw marks from my thighs
and most of all soak
in kerosene until I forget
how it felt to be
not even a decade
just following her lead
how being used like a rag
destroyed my sexuality
I can’t think about girls at night
everyone says it isn’t right
no one will ever understand
have I brushed my teeth
washed my hands
poured perfume into my wounds
have I brushed my teeth
have I brushed my teeth
have I brushed my teeth