When Yonder- Incomplete


When yonder I first saw the light,

A stoked fire it seemed to me,

It sparked a coal inside the tree

From it grew a simple rose

A tree that is, as that fire was stoked

I walked upon the most interesting sight,

A man standing atop the night.

Peeking his face down through the clouds,

His hands tearing them apart like shrouds

He looked at the same light I seen

A glow in his eyes like silver gleam

His horse was with him and I heard what he said

“Shall we take a trip down there to retrieve that gem?”

He hopped on his steed

Shears in hand

A prince I should think him,

But of what land?

He hurdled down with astounding speed.

Down, down he came in a twirl on his steed.

His eyes on the prize, he wouldn’t waste time

It wasn’t gold no!

It was more precious more fine!

Landing underneath the tree,

Inside lie the glowing rose

Approaching it closer when he

Slipped on the trunk of that sacred tree.

Hitting his head,

he went out like a light.

Into a deep slumber he fell

All the while dreaming of hell.

It was dark and cold, no roses to be found.

He woke to the most peculiar sound.

Faintly the rose hummed, “come near my dear”

The closer he got, the more he succumbed,

To the radiance of her without a fear.

To his dismay, he got too close.

Then, the rose ate him, he was hosed!

  • Author: Leya Virago (Pseudonym) (Offline Offline)
  • Published: February 22nd, 2018 18:15
  • Comment from author about the poem: Hey friends! I would like some feedback on this short story/rhyme I am writing. It's not finished quite yet, but let me know what y'all think! Thanks!
  • Category: Unclassified
  • Views: 24
  • User favorite of this poem: Violet bluebell( used to be yellow rose).
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  • Violet bluebell( used to be yellow rose)

    hi virago , a brilliant piece of writing ! i love this , truly! 🙂 i love your ideas throughout this , the man above the cloud with his horse , the glowing rose . its like something out of a fantasy book , a man above the clouds , great idea. it sounds to me as if the rose pulled him in and she wasn't a nice rose after all ! the ending caught me off hold a little , i wasn't expecting the rose to eat him lol.. i think you wrote this very well , it seems like a very interesting and engaging piece of writing , very enjoyable

    • MaddieJ

      thank you so much for the comments! I am so glad you enjoyed it! I wasn't sure if it was sounding good and wanted to get some feedback. Thanks you thank you!

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