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Why ain’t I Smiling


I feel like I’m at my lowest. I feel like I’m right on the edge of giving up and giving in. I’m so strong but I’m so weak at the same time. I feel like I’m fighting demons on the regular. I try to hide the pain on em but it’s not that easy. I use to think death would Be easy. What if I don’t succeed. What if I fail. What if ima terrible father. What if I can’t stop drinking. What if I can’t shed a tear. What if I don’t get pass this vulnerable moment. I feel like everybody else is always atleast ONE step better than me. I treat those who treat me right so wrong n those who treat me wrong right. Im really broken. I never speak on it because I’ll hate for someone to put my feelings against me. I don’t know who to trust. I’m the hardest on myself. I hope everything ends up alright. Some times I just be wanting to cry sooo bad but I can’t. I can never shed a tear, even when my grandma died I couldn’t shed a tear and maybe if I shed a tear everything will be alright but I can’t. Times like this is when I use to Call my grandma to just pray for me bc if no one understands God does and he doesn’t judge me. Ima afraid to let anyone read this note bc im afraid you’ll think I’m just so terribly broken and you’ll wanna escape from me. I’m usually strong. I’m usually ready for the world. This feeling comes around time to time.

Comments3

  • marquisha

    You are not alone.... I've been a mother for 3 years, I feel like I've failed my daughter everyday with my bad decisions and my thoughts. But some how she loves me. She tells me everyday and kiss on me. She's the reason I dnt pull my own plug! And when I'm not around her I cry. I wonder how she knows to say the things I need to feel and hear. She's only three! You'll be a great father because you know pain so well you can only be great from here! Thanks for sharing ❤️

  • marlenawood

    Same here... my kids are the reason I breath

  • Johnny Dean

    We're born in pain for the ultimate glory/One day you will tell your own story/Today you survive, strive for greatest/No matter how far, reach the ultimate attainment/Happiness is real, and it hopes that you can make it



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