Bodhi

Hanging between monkey bars,
Not sure if to drop
If I do I'll fall straight down
Unable to climb back up
But I guess that's the consequence of suicide
So I stay inbetween gripping tight
Waiting for the day my fingers go numb
And fall into the stygian

And can I stay can I go?
I love you too much I hate myself
And it's all your fault you made me do these things
I decided to hurt you and you put me up it
With your stupid smile
And you were always declining me
So you put the knife in my stupid hands
But I was the one who decided to use it

I touch my own fingers and they feel numb
I breathe in and feel each rib rubbing against skin
Look in the mirror I see fat
If you poke me I'll fall flat
Grabbing each thigh with pure hatred
If I were perfect why doesn't he love me?
Stupid stupid you've done it again

There's still scars fading on each dainty wrist
Still dried tears on each bony cheek
And I'll sit here pretending I'm choosing to be alone
But no looks me in the eye and smiles
Like normal people do
But I'm not normal am I

I can't distinguish what is real
Which thoughts are normal
Or those homicidal
Is this love or obsession that I'm feeling?
I feel empty. Barely breathing.
What's the point if he won't want me
I keep ripping off her butterfly wings

Atleast I imagine it in my dreams
Roses torn to pieces crying,
What more could I think of
There's no use trying
No amount of lithium could cure me
I'm already dying
I think it'd be best if I were gullible again
I'd rather be dumb then full of self awareness

Atleast when blocked I can't hate myself
I'd be living without a doubt
But here I go again pretending to care
I think I'm happier lying here
Wrapped up darkness
Alone with my thoughts
Waiting in silence
For the next thought fox to come along .