For as long as I can remember

For as long as I can remember I have always been shy. When I say shy I mean that I could never express my feelings around the people I cared about most but instead I would face down in my pillow alone and cry.
My family use to say “Sticks and Stones” when I was younger and getting picked on because I was fat and weird and I had a bump on my forehead that wouldn’t go away. For some reason I could never get over the things those kids would say.
One day it was bad, I remember a little boy who I liked at the time came up to me and said “Hey you have a pimple on your forehead” I paused for a moment, and in that moment I could physically hear something snap inside me. That day I went home, and took a large pair of scissors, and I sat in front of my bathroom mirror and I held that cold blade to my head and closed my eyes and my hands moved on their own, I could feel the blood rushing down my face and for a moment “Hey, maybe now I’ll finally be free?”
Now I’m 16 and I live with 5 people in a two bedroom house going to high-school, and I had fallen in love for the first time. He was 17 and he was all I ever hoped for, I didn’t realize it then but maybe that whole relationship was bad from the very start, I wish someone had stopped me before I dug a hole so deep but I guess everyone has to learn sometime.
For awhile, our relationship was like storm, at first it was fine but then as went on it got worse and eventually all you could hear were sirens telling you to get out. Of course you never listen though, but even after the storm had stopped and everything was “Okay” you were still filled with what I think was probably doubt.
After this raging war of on again off again, I had been so deep in the thought of being in love that I gave myself to him even after we were no longer together, and he ended up being my first. I was 17 now and I had finally realized something during another storm, it hurts that I only now realize after having the palm of his hand pressed down my throat and his fingers warped around my neck and watching him scream at the top of his lungs high enough to wake the dead and asking me is this what I want, it took me that long to realize that he really was the worst.