Never Left Alone

The day I was born
I was beautifully pure
A clean slate full of opportunities and dreams
I was helpless and bright
An innocent little light that attracts the bottom of the darkness
Sometimes in that darkness is a cry for help
They need a light to guide them
Other times it sees the light and it blinds them and the only way to get rid of it is too pull it into those depths of darkness
In that dark hospital one night
My mother plucked me from the nursery
She held me
Me and her alone in that room with the light of the television flickering all over
Blissful and pure but still that darkness was stuck
Not in the hospital room but in me
My darkness waiting for the right moment to shut out my light
It's in my mind
As I got older it was there
Lurking in the shadows
Through divorces and alcoholism it got stonger
I never knew what was happening and I asked myself all the time why I wanted to take a knife,
and slide it through the flesh of my abdomen at the mere age of eight
I want to know now why at five years old I pretended I was being raped and nothing of the sort had happened
Not that I remember
Why did I feel that way
Why did I pretened at night I was being touched and I'd say 'no no no'
When I was never alone with a man
I was never left alone with a man
I was never left alone with a man
I still don't know why I did what I did
I know that a darkness inside of me exists
I enjoy feeling violated and being treated like I'm worthless but why
Is it my darkness that lurks in my mind or another that I don't really remember
I was too young to remember
It's probably just me
The scars on my thigh speak for themselves, I'm sick
The bright blinding light I was born with now flickers pathetically inside me
I was never left alone with a man