Better Memories

I didnt know that I could think about my past
I have avoided it for so long
Memories triggered by voices or songs
But when I slip into that slide reel
It all goes so fast

All the things I did and didn’t do
The things I said
The things I can’t undo

I see and remember things I almost had forgotten
But nobody knows all the sickness I have walked in
Fear and shame, anger or rage

The queesy feeling comes
Like a rock has dropped into the pit of my stomach

See, if i take one more step
I just might plummet
Into a dark little cage
Where just outside the hinges
Regret stands at attention
With beady little eyes trained on me
Tasked with ensuring that I never leave

I have been drawn there
So many times before
Curled on the floor
With tears in my eyes
Pulling at my hair
wishing I could die

I’m here anxiety
Just go ahead and take me
Oh, but you can’t
Your only capeable of driving me to the brink of insanity
To torture me as long as I allow it

Think now! How can I escape
I can’t close my eyes and hide
Because the fear is on the inside
With no external forces

I walk around wondering
Do these people really not see it
Sitting right behind my eyes
As I’m pretending that I’m just fine

This is a real place
Even though you can’t taste, touch, or see it
And today I expected to be in it
Yet here I am all calm and collected

So let’s reflect now
How did I get through it
I didn’t scream, I didn’t cry, I didn’t cut myself, I didn’t die
I’m left with only one reality

Jesus really did save me
All of those scriptures are creeping in and becoming a part of me
Healing me from the inside out

I’m not going to lie
There were times I had doubt
That anything was changing
But I kept pressing in because I had no other options
Nothing else was working
I had nothing to believe in

So today when the memories came flooding in
Proof came unexpected
That Jesus’ love has healed
What used to be affected by depression

I sat back and looked at everything I was remembering
And when the feelings came
I just swept them away and said very calmly
That wasn’t even the real me

The real me was made by God himself
And he saved me with his mercy
Because the day I accepted Jesus in my heart
He made that memory me
Just a testimony!