Letter to no one who cares. Fuck it

You fucker

Did you love me? I hope so. You will know how painful it was. Is this what made me bitter? You made me bitter, and then have the nerve to loathe me? You made this
And you didn't really care that much. It's painful. I care but I don't, what does it mean??? A huge mess, I want to sort this out. Do I still love you? I'm sorry I was such a shit person, I really am. It was my own head that did it. It was my fault that you turned me bitter, stupid stupid stupid stupid girl
You liked me shallowly, i know it. And this stupid shyness and self hate held us back. Why can't I say the things I wanted to say?? Hate is a vicious, sneaky bastard circle. I don't miss you, but I think about you often and I don't want this nothingness and shame
Why can't I hate you when i don't even miss you and you hurt me? It's pathetic; pathetic pathetic slit my neck
I want you gone. I want the future without you in it. But I want closure but I want to turn you down and shame you because you can't hurt me like that you bastard bitch and get away with it but I don't want regret
I hate you because you made me feel alive and ecstatic and breaths were too deep with you. That moment. You were life and only you consuming the giddy little me. You made me shake. I wasn't sure it was love, denied it denied it completely why??Why but after I was so sure. And it was red on orange at first but I don't care about that now but it was agony when I crumpled
And now it's not even you. I'm a sycophant. Grudgingly, but nonetheless I am. I don't want it but I can't change it. She is separate to me. It's got to be out and now I'm tired and I just want the last dregs of it out of me but there's always a trace behind, that grows and rises and froths and swells until again,  hate. I don't want hate. I reject it. But the future is uncertain and the walls of my mind are closing in. I realise it's become about me. Maybe it's always been about me and I used you as a tool for this. It makes me hate myself more. See, hate again.
How can I exist in a world where hate is so prevalent? Sneakily prevalent. It will be another day tomorrow and not intense but what is real? What phase am I in? I am Diana and lunar. You're so small now. A shade, a shadow, you can be scraped away. But only until I come down from this gentle height. The wind feels so light. It's just a vision. I don't know how to end but nothing really ends and it's like cutting off a stem, a vein, like stopping flowing water but I'm fading and I want to become the wisps of fog

Cut the strings. Burn them. I dare you.