“Not Sure Yet”

I hope for the future
But does that mean it’s real
I wish things were different
So that I could feel

They want me to be
Another one of them
But I don’t know how
When “me” they’d condemn

If I hid the truth
I could be what they see
But that isn’t right
I wouldn’t be “me”

I’m not sure what I need
I can’t make a choice
They are my family
But I don’t have a voice

They make me feel small
Just a piece of the puzzle
But I know I don’t fit
I only cause trouble

It’s unseen to the eye
But I know it is there
I’m not what they want
To stay is unfair

I know that it’s dense
And not even high
On the things of importance
That would cause “them” to cry

For me it’s my life
Yet they think that it’s dumb
While not understanding
That it makes me feel numb

I hate being told
That there’s only one way
Life is about balance
Yet they want me to pay

I’ve tried to explain
The struggle at hand
They just hear excuses
And make it seem bland

Maybe I’m stupid
For believing in them
But they’re all I know
It’s not just a whim

There’s so much at stake
If I don’t choose what’s right
How am I to know
It’s a difficult plight

Few understand
The difference in me
I try to tell others
But I’m afraid they’ll leave

I don’t have much
When it comes to friends
So betraying those I have
Means everything ends

I know I’m dramatic
And it’s not quite this bad
But it is of importance
And it’s making me sad

I want to be good
But what does that mean
Nothing is clear
And I’m just a teen

I don’t have the experience
To backup my conclusions
But I have had loss
It’s not just delusions

I lost my best friend
Once she found out
I couldn’t understand
Why she had doubt

I wanted to scream
And tell her she’s crazy
But I knew it wouldn’t change
Then things became hazy

She wanted what was best
At least that’s what she said
But I knew the real reason
It made her feel dread

Ever since then
I haven’t gotten close
To those who could leave
When I need them the most

So now I can’t trust
Those of whom care
Afraid to have failed
And lose what was there

They tell me it’s fine
To go through this now
But they do not get it
It’s not what they allow

Those who understand
Think little of me
For I could have it all
Cause that’s what they see

But I don’t want to hide
From who I really am
I want to be me
Not just a sham

I feel like an outsider
With nowhere to turn
I’m stuck in the middle
And nothing to earn

If I choose one
I still lose it all
So what is it worth
When I could fall

I’m just so confused
About how to move on
I know there’s a cost
And soon I’ll be gone

It’s not good to live
Wrapped in a bubble
But outside is dangerous
And this is a struggle

I wish there was a way
To know what was best
But that is just foolish
And life is a quest

Why is my love wrong
When love matters most
It’s not like It’s bad
To want someone close

They cause me to feel
Like I’m not even there
I don’t understand
Pretending to care

I’ve told few the truth
And they put it aside
Thinking it’s weak
While I’m hurting inside

I wanted some help
And I put myself out
They seem to be deaf
While I try to shout

What can I say
To make myself heard
It’s not just a phase
I’m being absurd

Changing my look
Obscuring my heart
Wanting to cry
I’m falling apart

They see a mask
In which I’m ok
Thinking it’s simple
I just need to pray

I’m tired of fighting
Against who I am
Shouting the truth
They don’t give a damn

I know that they do
Just not prone to see
Beyond what they know
I’ll never be

I guess I’m just stuck
Going around
Waiting for something
To make me feel found

Not ready to leave
That which I know
But staying is hard
When there’s no room to grow