"Choices"

Merissa

Nothing is changing

Do I want it to

I know that I should

But I haven’t thought it through.

 

I like who I am

But I constantly fight

I don’t want to stop

Cause then they’d be right

 

I feel like I’m stuck

Not knowing what’s best

It’s hard to give up

And no one’s impressed

 

There’s things that I want

But I don’t see them happening

Should I just stop

Or keep up what’s maddening

 

Is the stress worth it

If I get what I want

But that is the problem

My desires just taunt.

 

I don’t feel I’m worthy

Of the things that I crave

But I don’t like “them” either

My future seems grave

 

Going through the motions

Not living my life

Maybe it’s just a phase

And I’ll get over this strife

 

I just want to be happy

With the life that I choose

But how will I know

There are too many views

 

I know that I’m crazy

For feeling like this

Im only 16

Me they dismiss

 

My emotions are temporary

That’s what they say

Soon you’ll feel different

You’re not “really” gay

 

Maybe they’re right

And it is just a phase

With the way the world is

Gay is “blase”

 

I know that I’m different

Then those that were born

But whether it’s “real”

Doesn’t change how I mourn

 

Maybe that’s why it’s so hard

Because I’m not just “that way”

I’m slowly choosing to be

One that they sleigh

 

Course I don’t mean literal

But sometimes it seems

That just because we’re different

They go to extremes

 

I’m just so tired

Of feeling out of place

Which one do I leave

While the other embrace

 

I know what “they’d” say

But I want to choose

Living someone else’s life

Would only confuse

 

I feel so alone

Though I know I’m not

It’s hard to see others

When you’re deep in thought

 

I just need some idea

Of what I should do

Too many things

That could ensue

 

I don’t want to lose

What I already contain

Choosing who I am

Would lead to disdain

 

I don’t have the courage

To fight off the pain

Of leaving behind

What I worked hard to gain

 

So what is my choice

I still have no clue

Struggling for years

And nothing is new

 

  • Author: Merissa (Offline Offline)
  • Published: April 30th, 2018 09:30
  • Category: Unclassified
  • Views: 21
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Comments +

Comments2

  • florence arla

    I can really feel your frustration and also at the end, the lethargia that sets in because I get it, you're fighting to keep a piece of your identity in a world where it is met by hate. All I can say is that I understand your position. I didn''t even know how to label myself but I realised that being gay is very fluid, and the fluidity of it is beautiful. If you're comfortable knowing that you're fully gay then that is absolutely incredible. But you don't need to hide yourself any longer. I know that "it's easy for me to say" but I'm stuck in the same position as you and I understand that it's hard. I have two very close female friends, and I don't want to come out because it might change something in our relationship, but there are girls that have done it and have been hailed as the voluptuous gay goddesses they are. I know it's rambling on a bit, but I think that it's a huge part of your identity, and besides, how the hell do you plan on being with someone you love if you're hiding such a massive part of yourself from them? Pretty soon the walls of your mind start closing in if you don't let your feelings out, and there is no worse feeling than being trapped inside your own head. You are strong enough to take this jump and let the world jail you as the beautiful gay gal you are.

    If you ever need anyone to sympathise with, or just to vent your feelings to, I'm here. I'm in the same position as you. Trust me. Thank you for your beautiful poem, it's so unbelievably encouraging to know someone understands the struggle.

    -flo

    • Merissa

      Thank you very much for the advice. It is really hard. I just dont want to disappoint anyone. Thanks for the kind words as well.

    • onepauly

      be patient a little while longer
      it takes time. you will answer your own questions. but you must listen.



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