Nothing is changing
Do I want it to
I know that I should
But I haven’t thought it through.
I like who I am
But I constantly fight
I don’t want to stop
Cause then they’d be right
I feel like I’m stuck
Not knowing what’s best
It’s hard to give up
And no one’s impressed
There’s things that I want
But I don’t see them happening
Should I just stop
Or keep up what’s maddening
Is the stress worth it
If I get what I want
But that is the problem
My desires just taunt.
I don’t feel I’m worthy
Of the things that I crave
But I don’t like “them” either
My future seems grave
Going through the motions
Not living my life
Maybe it’s just a phase
And I’ll get over this strife
I just want to be happy
With the life that I choose
But how will I know
There are too many views
I know that I’m crazy
For feeling like this
Im only 16
Me they dismiss
My emotions are temporary
That’s what they say
Soon you’ll feel different
You’re not “really” gay
Maybe they’re right
And it is just a phase
With the way the world is
Gay is “blase”
I know that I’m different
Then those that were born
But whether it’s “real”
Doesn’t change how I mourn
Maybe that’s why it’s so hard
Because I’m not just “that way”
I’m slowly choosing to be
One that they sleigh
Course I don’t mean literal
But sometimes it seems
That just because we’re different
They go to extremes
I’m just so tired
Of feeling out of place
Which one do I leave
While the other embrace
I know what “they’d” say
But I want to choose
Living someone else’s life
Would only confuse
I feel so alone
Though I know I’m not
It’s hard to see others
When you’re deep in thought
I just need some idea
Of what I should do
Too many things
That could ensue
I don’t want to lose
What I already contain
Choosing who I am
Would lead to disdain
I don’t have the courage
To fight off the pain
Of leaving behind
What I worked hard to gain
So what is my choice
I still have no clue
Struggling for years
And nothing is new
-
Author:
Merissa (
Offline) - Published: April 30th, 2018 09:30
- Category: Unclassified
- Views: 21
Offline)
Comments2
I can really feel your frustration and also at the end, the lethargia that sets in because I get it, you're fighting to keep a piece of your identity in a world where it is met by hate. All I can say is that I understand your position. I didn''t even know how to label myself but I realised that being gay is very fluid, and the fluidity of it is beautiful. If you're comfortable knowing that you're fully gay then that is absolutely incredible. But you don't need to hide yourself any longer. I know that "it's easy for me to say" but I'm stuck in the same position as you and I understand that it's hard. I have two very close female friends, and I don't want to come out because it might change something in our relationship, but there are girls that have done it and have been hailed as the voluptuous gay goddesses they are. I know it's rambling on a bit, but I think that it's a huge part of your identity, and besides, how the hell do you plan on being with someone you love if you're hiding such a massive part of yourself from them? Pretty soon the walls of your mind start closing in if you don't let your feelings out, and there is no worse feeling than being trapped inside your own head. You are strong enough to take this jump and let the world jail you as the beautiful gay gal you are.
If you ever need anyone to sympathise with, or just to vent your feelings to, I'm here. I'm in the same position as you. Trust me. Thank you for your beautiful poem, it's so unbelievably encouraging to know someone understands the struggle.
-flo
Thank you very much for the advice. It is really hard. I just dont want to disappoint anyone. Thanks for the kind words as well.
be patient a little while longer
it takes time. you will answer your own questions. but you must listen.
To be able to comment and rate this poem, you must be registered. Register here or if you are already registered, login here.