What is happening to me

I stare blankly with no expression at the person in the mirror.

Someone I don’t recognise. 

She looks different                                                  New outfit? Different haircut?                                        No? What is it then? 

When I walk around I see her following in shop windows and on car doors.                                                     What am I supposed to do? Ignore her?                         If I do that she will torment me until I acknowledge her, letting her get her way, the way that leaves me in an upset panicked mess. 

Sometimes there’s another girl in the mirror with the exact same blank expressions.                                  This girl looks like me but has the mind of a demon.   She keeps me trapped in my bed like a prisoner, making me feel things, new things, things that you would never wish upon your worst of enemies because nobody deserves that.                                                            She drains me, leaving me almost lifeless in the prison she has created for me.

“I’m still me”

I tell myself that every day, but how long will it take me to realise that I don’t even know who I am anymore.

We have lost her. I have lost her. She drifts in my mind amongst the millions of memories I have but have forgotten.

The girls I see in the mirror are what I chose to blame for everything that has happened to me. Their names unique like me.

Anxiety and Depression.

They have changed me. The girls and I, we’ve changed. They have suppressed me for too long, I break free.       I feel fresh, lighter almost, lighter than I’ve felt in a long time.

“It’s all actually going well for me”                    

“It’s going to be okay”

“I’m going to be okay”

After a while the ‘girls’ get bored, “Okay you’ve had your fun,it’s time to come back now it’s our turn” they say.     I kick and I scream, I give it everything I have because I don’t want to go back, it’s not fair but they won’t let me get away. Not again. 

I am in a trance. Not a good one. Is it fear? Anger? Sadness? I don’t know. I cry oceans of tears, destroying myself. I scream louder now, louder than ever before.   They are doing it again. 

“Leave me alone” 

“I don’t deserve this” 

“what have I done to deserve this” 

“Help me” 

“Stop it” 

“STOP!” 

But they don’t listen, it’s only a game to them. With stop meaning go and being resilient means they’ll just try harder to break you down. 

Mum runs in afraid and confused to find her little girl on the ground crying. With everything around her destroyed “I’m trying mum I really am. I can’t stay in control. I can’t cope anymore. I don’t want to live like this anymore, I can’t. I’m sorry mum. I don’t mean it” 

I just need the help 

She worries now my mum. I know that. My Dad worries too, I wish they didn’t have to go through this making them question their morals and beliefs, how they raised me. If they had raised me differently maybe I wouldn’t be going through it, that’s what they worry about, they think it’s all their fault. I know that’s what they think. It’s just they don’t understand. 

Do you? 

I don’t 

The girls are back standing side by side staring at me       I stare back at them, looking at the blubbering mess I’ve become. Ashamed. I know it’s not my fault, when I think that they laugh at me, they cut me off. As though I don’t matter. 

I do matter. I deserve respect. But if you ask then you don’t get. The words on the tip of my tongue just don’t deserve to be said. 

I am afraid, the anxiety stirs. It never left. 

I stare blankly with no expression at the person they have made me. 

The girl I’ve become.

The girl I don’t recognise because she isn’t in their anymore, she’s gone. Replaced by two other girls. 

Anxiety and Depression