Guilt, Pleasure & Grief

A late Friday night.
It's just me and her.
The curtains are drawn,
The candles are lit
The music is soft
The blankets are warm
The ambience is gentle
The mood is on.

We fall into the covers of the soft, cozy bed
Lost in the covers, her hands finds my chest
She pulls herself close to me
And I feel her warmth light me up
Her heart is beating wildly as she cuddles up beside me
She rests her head on my chest, so carefully
And my arms gently embrace her
It's as if we could fall asleep in this very moment
And get caught in each other's dreams

Suddenly the ceiling seems to melt away
Along with our worries and cares
Her face guides itself to mine and I see
Her dark but captivating eyes
They stare right into mine and as she leans closer,
I feel her hot breath on my face

She whispers to me,
"It's all okay."
She whispers it in her most sincere tone
She giggles and I grin back at her
As she plays with a strand of my hair

My arms find their way around the back of her neck
As she pulls herself closer still
Her face lowers and lowers even nearer
And our lips meet
And spring has come
And the walls begin to melt away.

I close my eyes
I'm taken to a universe far from where I am
Connected to her, I can feel that she loves me
For she holds me
And holds me
With intense passion, she holds me there
And our lips don't pull away
Until they have to.

My heartbeat now races to the same beat as hers
We breathe for a moment in a second of purity
Looking upon her right now,
I just realize
How beautiful she is to me.

Her olive complexion holds a galaxy of constellations
Her dark hair is rich and soft
Her burn scars tell her tale of survival
Her eyes hold a love seen like never before
And her figure...
Her figure.
Her figure is illuminated,
as she slowly peels herself away from me.

I can see in her eyes
Her love is not just love
In this moment her love holds a want,
A want for something I can give her
Nothing as pure as the moment we just shared
But intense.
Intense.
Intense.

Her cold fingers dance across my warm, bare chest
Our eyes are locked, not daring to blink
She guides her fingers further down
And my hands find their way to her waist
She offers for me to come closer
And take the initiative, right now.

My hands slowly move up, pulling off her upper garments
I am faced with a wonderfully private sight
And before I can stop to think
She shows herself to me fully
Her fingers move further down
Even as she hovers over me
And I feel a little funny
But in the good way.

Her fingers reach the point of interest
And my arousal is increasing still
And soon enough, we connect once more,
Building the arousal
With only our hands
Bit by bit
Until we reach the desired level
And she wastes no time.

When we are ready
She lets herself onto me
Still holding onto me
As I let myself into her
And the passion keeps growing
With every thrust and every moan
The room gets warmer
But our passion begins to sync
And every feeling connects
While things get faster and faster
Growing hotter and hotter
Until a climax is hit

And the floor melts away
But we don't stop
We keep going, and going,
Until it all grows numb
Losing all meaning
Losing all feeling

She collapses onto me,
And her breathing is fast
I can still feel the buzz
Of the moment we just shared
And as my heart beats wildly
And she kisses my neck
A chill goes up my back.

I begin to wonder
If any of this is right
Or if it's all a distraction
An escape?

A distraction.
It all feels wrong.
I feel wrong.
I feel remorseful. And pained.
And empty.
But why?

She notices my changed expression
She asks me what's wrong
I have no response, I only hold her tighter.
She asks me if I love her
I do.
I tell her that I do.
Because I do.
I love her.

But she can't replace the one who stole my heart
She'll never replace what could have been
She's doomed to forever be a distraction to me
But
She
Knows
That.

I know that I love her
But this is commitment.
Have I made a mistake?
Have I made things worse for myself?
Is this only going to fade
Because I would lose myself otherwise?

...

She looks me straight in the eyes
And she kisses me once again.
And she holds me tighter.
And she's... very warm.