I lost a friend today

I found myself
crammed
into a car with
shallow acquaintances;
leaving the backwoods
of Michigan.
I've never been one
to mourn
lackluster escapes.
I'll get out of this place
any way I can.
I'm rarely
here
to begin with.
then more than most,
though,
I had receded.
into a numbness.
bewildering
the way that water
washes the shore
clean.

he didn't see things
that way.
he was a creature
of impulse.
always
a game,
always
a competition.
and among my desires
to fly free
he'd find himself
catching flight
just to prove
he was
able.

but I was bested
in ways
he never would have
imagined.
beyond his
juvenile facade
grew a laugh that shone
light into the room
of each who
dared listen.
a childish liberation.
some quality of
innocence remained
intact
where mine
had not.

how far that
could
have taken him.

I need to release
still
I know,
but it's trapped.
anchored to something
that was
maybe
more equipped
to guard against
the pressure
of watching those
around me
collapse
in slow motion.

I did not need to be
strong
when they could not.
but I was.
but I am.
there is more
wisdom,
though,
in letting go.
and it will escape me
someday
I'm sure.
it gleams through
cracks and seams
now.
always
mocking me
from beyond
my myopia.

whenever you're ready,
dear friend.

until then.