Not Your Average Poem

After a year long commitment, I have been trying to find peace with myself. I’ve spent some time now, lost and confused as to where it could have all went wrong or what could’ve been done differently to prevent this episode of reflection. I could always describe my perfect girl by being with the person I was so comfortable around and had so many common interests with, and looking back, I finally realize why I was never drawn to you. 

You opened your doors to me, let your guard down before I even pursued you, and instead of giving me the opportunity to learn what I could love about you, you showed me every reason not to. I knew the person you were before we started dating. Nothing ever changed and quite frankly, I found out more and more that I couldn’t fall in love because I was falling in love with myself, metaphorically.

They way you talked, the way you acted, the things you would do in hopes of gaining my love pushed me away only because I did those things. You became me in a sense, everything you wanted to do was because of me and now thinking back, I’m beginning to realize why I didn’t even enjoy my alone time because being with you was like being with myself. 

Sometimes, you realize a person transforms themselves to help transform the relationship. We were both growing but in the same field and to be honest, I lost sight of my relationship because of it. I shared my all with you just to see that you took it and used it for what you thought would help us bond but actually drove a wedge in for me. 

I think the key starting point in a relationship is definitely the chase. The chase, to me, is the part where you fight for each other, to show the loyalty yet keep the person at a distance until they proved that they wanted you for you, despite the quirks and the issues. The part where you engage in conversation only to find what you really want to know and learn about the person, the part that really draws the heart in. 

I have been crazy this last month, reading into why im so lost and upset and why I have just lost touch with myself, and now that your gone, I realize you took a piece with you. The piece of me that was my personality, my individualism was taken right out from under me by you and I can’t even wrap my head around what is me versus what is you anymore. I have done so much thinking and wondering why I feel so lonely and what is different that is making me feel so empty, but its not that I lost you, its that I lost myself.

I now need to focus on where to go next. I need to stop pondering everything I do and change my attitude to better myself. I need to stop thinking about being lonely and being lost and feeling hurt when I could move past this and become a better version of me for me. I have been struggling for quite some time now and the whole thing has torn me up, but honestly, thank God I realized this now before I settled for a life I hated living. 

The truth is I needed to be a better version of me to overcome all of this constant despair. Letting go and moving on was what I had to do to help myself. I know that this is easier said than done but I am tired of feeling sorry for myself when I could be doing so much for myself. So lastly to set the record straight, my last relationship isn’t something I miss nor do I miss the horrible person I wasted so much time with, but I missed feeling myself and I am here to get a grip.