A Fighting Sea

I’m trying so hard to fight this impending doom of darkness
knives,drunkenness, meaningless sex
All in the hopes of joy

But the waves won’t stop crashing,
feelings of suffocation and drowning wash over me in this oh so familiar sea
Is it my work or just me?

I look at the night sky
all the stars trying so hard to be seen, trying to stand out so someone will say “look at that one”.
it gives me hope that I can win this fight

but every day the waves keep beating down ,harder and harder
not letting me catch my breath even for a moment.
I want to swim away from this, to live and get to calmer waters. Enjoy this sea

but I don’t know how much longer I can fight until my body and mind gives in to giving up.
I’ve been fighting this for years,
should I give myself completely to it,
No, for now I will fight.