Was it Real?

I have these memories of being closer to anyone than I have ever been.  The way we looked at each other, the way we laughed, the adventures we had.   This same person basically told me last night that she wants nothing to do with me and that I'm ruining her "game."   This person knows more about me than anyone!  Or does she?  Was any of this real?  Did any of this really happen?   When my life became somewhat "normal" that should have been my 1st warning.... the realization that I was either dreaming or in some kind of alternate reality.   Now, this person is more concerned about how her friends would feel if she hung out with me...........WOW!  Just writing that reminds me of a common theme throughout my life going back to my youth.   The conversation I had with this person last night....She was calm.....but it was so clear that I'm "in the way."  "In the way" of her present and "in the way" of her future.  In so many words she said, "can you please get out of my lane, for I need to pass you."   I now know what all these other guys she's dated feel like.  The rejection.....rejection from someone you were convinced was the one.... In many ways, this person was the "perfect women."  Too perfect for reality.   Part of me wishes that I could go back to July 4th, 2014 and tell her, "ma'am, you are a very nice person, but you are too good for me."  But I didn't.   Part of me feels that sometime between 2015 and 2017 I would have stopped and said, "I'm glad I helped you get over your last boyfriend, now it is time for you to realize that you are too good for me."  But I didn't.   And, here we are July 18th, 2018 and I'm wondering if any of it was real.....   Did we laugh over MadLibs?  Did we ride our bikes along the canal?  Did we watch "Orange is the New Black" and call it "our show?"  Did we really take all of the pictures together?  Did we really "drive off the beaten path" on our way to her friend's house?  Did we really kiss on New Years?  Did we really look at each other and melt?  I picture that look she would give me.  This person actually made me feel so important, so young, so smart, so sexy.  I looked in the mirror this morning and realized that it's false.   I messed up terribly, I admit it.... I was given many chances....there were things we didn't like about each other, but there were more things we loved.   I have messed up so bad, that this person I'm talking about wants nothing to do with me, is afraid of me, and is concerned that I am getting in the way of the man who replaced me.   Did any of it really happen?  I'm concerned that I will slip back into bad, yet comfortable habits.... concerned that I will return to the only part of my life that has truly excepted me for who I am, the faults I have and the mistakes that I have made.   Part of me is so angry.  Part of me is so sad.  Yet, part of me wants to cherish what was (if it really happened).  Part of me is selfish (a big part of me).  Yet, there is a part of me....part that "thinks" I do know her,  I understand why this happened, and I need to step aside so that she can  be happy and successful.     After all this, the saddest day is yet to come.  That will be the day someone says, "did you hear that she getting married?" Or, "did you hear that she got married?"   I'm still in complete disbelieve about everything.  For me, the spiral continues.  For her, I'm a psycho ex and she has moved on.  The distance I felt in her words and her voice last night was like a dagger.   Welcome to reality.... whatever that is.......