7/19/18

your name leaves a bitter

taste in my mouth

this has happened before

but never with such

a sense of

finality

i remember when we

first met and i was

a closet lesbian and you

were the new girl with the

colorful skirts and long

brown hair that i wanted

to bury my face in

and you were my

first kiss

my first girlfriend

the first

and only

person i ever fell

in love with

you were also the

first person to break my heart

and break it again

and again

and again over the course

of the next ten years

but i was young and in love

and so naive

believing that we

deserved a happy ending

that i would marry you

that you would want

to marry me

i have been in love

with you for ten years

i loved you as a girl

as a lesbian

and then as a queer man

and i thought

i hoped

you loved me back

but i’ve fallen out of

love with you so fast

it stole my breath

like a punch in the gut

laying down on cold cement

until my breath stops

coming in shallow

painful gasps

i feel used up

like you took all i had

and gave nothing back

we were never meant

to be symbiotic

were we?

well here i am

saying goodbye to you

for what will be the last time

because i just can’t do this anymore

all this back and forth

are you or aren’t you?

are we or aren’t we?

is making my head spin

and i hope you are

able to claw your way out

of this rut before it becomes

your grave

but i am untethering myself

from the mast

of your sinking ship

and i am not

looking back