Wintertime Sadness
Shadow05 said:

Hello,

The first section is for improvements, and the second section is praise.

''Walk'' on the third line needs to be ''Walked''. ''cause'' on the ninth line needs to be ''causing'' or ''because''. There needs to be a comma between ''Broken, broke''' on the eleventh line. I would consider rephrasing line twelve as I found it quite hard to read how it is written. On line fifteen I would add an 's' on the end of ''spike''. On line seventeen it needs to be ''as I saw her, I knew''. On line twenty two it needs to be ''as God watered us''. I know I put a lot of corrections, but these mainly link to grammar.

The overall message is really nice, and I think you've stepped over the cliche use of ''rose'' as you've started the piece visually dark. I like the use of the line ''film centered in her memory'' to show that she could, and I think does, play it over and over again in her mind. I like the visual of ''build a new picture'' and ''repaint a new rose'', and how people often find it difficult to move on when people are around you. I like the use of ''growing into a new rose that never died on winter's day'' as it suggests that the ''film'' is being taped over with new memories of happiness and living. ''as we sit on a tree and face reality'' suggests that you are now looking from above and not on the ''concrete'' so are more aware of the world and as if you dominate over it.


December 13th, 2015 16:02