She walked through the mean streets
Broke and empty
Walked by with every tear drop trail
Broken and broke
To think that the love of a man can heal
Her happiness she valued his words
But they had no value
She walk and walked broken
Her tears never dried up because of the memories
Of her giving her all were a film centered in her memory
Broken, broke and now fearful because
she wouldn't be able to see another man that defines as a genuine soul
Her so called love left her broken and broke
She cried and tears fell on flowers that turned into spikes and thorns of black regret
No rose that grew from the concrete could grow from a seed to a rose
as I saw her I knew she was broken and every piece was in my power to put back into place
Tape after tape glue after glue trying to build a new picture
She tried to repaint a new rose but because of her disbelief in my effort and presence she
Did not acknowledge that she was a rose and not knowing i fell in love with her roots instead but here she is rebuilding and growing into a rose that never died on winter day and lovely when the sun shines we both shine together and we both build our field of plants as God watered us with his tears and the love I have for her grows and grows as now we sit on a tree and face reality she is now my love- Unknown
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Author:
Unknown (
Offline) - Published: December 13th, 2015 02:48
- Comment from author about the poem: Trying to recover the one you love and the sacrifices that come with it. Seeing her hurt makes you hurt.
- Category: Unclassified
- Views: 31
Offline)
Comments1
Hello,
The first section is for improvements, and the second section is praise.
''Walk'' on the third line needs to be ''Walked''. ''cause'' on the ninth line needs to be ''causing'' or ''because''. There needs to be a comma between ''Broken, broke''' on the eleventh line. I would consider rephrasing line twelve as I found it quite hard to read how it is written. On line fifteen I would add an 's' on the end of ''spike''. On line seventeen it needs to be ''as I saw her, I knew''. On line twenty two it needs to be ''as God watered us''. I know I put a lot of corrections, but these mainly link to grammar.
The overall message is really nice, and I think you've stepped over the cliche use of ''rose'' as you've started the piece visually dark. I like the use of the line ''film centered in her memory'' to show that she could, and I think does, play it over and over again in her mind. I like the visual of ''build a new picture'' and ''repaint a new rose'', and how people often find it difficult to move on when people are around you. I like the use of ''growing into a new rose that never died on winter's day'' as it suggests that the ''film'' is being taped over with new memories of happiness and living. ''as we sit on a tree and face reality'' suggests that you are now looking from above and not on the ''concrete'' so are more aware of the world and as if you dominate over it.
Thank you, very much struggle with grammar and i appreciate your honesty about my writing. Hopefully my grammar makes my writing much better.
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