Charlie

Charlie was a bit of a bugger for pills
raiding peoples bedrooms at parties for thrills
he never seemed to bother what they took them for
he'd be out of his tree, smashed on the floor
uppers and downers, bombers and tranks
I even heard tell he downed a bottle of blanks
     (you know, them placebo things)

but the funniest story I can tell u about
is when jilly slapped charlie and knocked him clean out
she was only a little-un about five foot three
and i'm about six foot but he's bigger than me
you see charlie and jilly was in this affair
she caught him kissin her sister, top of the stairs
       (she didn't half go mad)

well we all thought charlie was swingin the lead
but the bugga stopped breathin, the 'barsted' was dead
course jilly was frantic out in the street
and her sister had feinted, white as a sheet
but the music was pounding just as loud as before
when suddenly charlie got up off the floor
        (the crafty buggah)

I can't tell u all of the in's and the out's
it was some breathin trick he learned in the scouts
now charlie had slipped jilly's sister some pill
and we all agreed she'd  been laying dead still
so we lays her down on the floor where he'd been
and put a sheet over her, like a dead body scene
      (then we scarpered)


so we's out the back garden and down thru the lane
and we fancies a pint, cos it's a thirsty old game
its charlies shout and he gets them in
then he comes all over with this stupid grin
he sez 'I got a plan im my head, its coming together'
and we worked it out in the Crown with Two Feathers
       (not much of a pub really)

it was stupid idea, was what I thought at first
but I slowly came round as i quenched my thirst
I was gonna have to phone up - and speak to the law
to tell them that charlies spark out on the floor
we'd hide in the hedgerow to watch what ensued
and we ordered some tinnies cos u gotta have booze
        (well it's thirsty work drinkin)

so there we is with our six packs popping
and some dodgy geezers window shoppin
he's gotta be a baddun can't never be right
peepin in winduz in the middle of the night
'lets have him' says charlie, I says 'leave it out'
'wotcha gonna do, go and give him a clout?'
        (well he only goes and does it)

he's spark out on the floor laid on his belly
people inside they're all still watchin telly
I cant handle charlie when he's had a drink
he'll drop you right in it, faster than u think
'careful' he says, 'dont make a sound'
'we're gonna sneak over, n'switch the bodies round'
         (this is gonna be a larff)

dont ask me how we done it but we carried him there
and we propped up jilly's sister on some rocking chair
so we scarpers again, usin a fair amount of stealth
when who should turn up, you guessed it, the filth
'hello hello hello , so wots going on here'
you can tell jilly fancies him shes playin with her hair
         (they do that you know)

'its a bloke called charlie' she says,  'he fell over, a bit'
thinkin of a way not to drop herself right in it
'he ain't moved much, dont think he's breathin' she said
'I cant really make it out, d'ya think he might be dead?'
'its hard to say madam, i'd better have a look'
we all holds our breath, he's about to reveal the crook
        (not a good time to want the bathroom)

he pulls back the sheet and jilly starts out screaming
her sister wakes up   'have I been dreamin'
'do you know this man' asks our number one detective
'never seen him before' shes says, being retrospective
'I think dear madam, you should accompany me down the nick'
jilly's belly dont like that - and she throws up being sick
         (she been on the bacardis innit)

all hell breaks loose when the geezer makes a run for it
he dunno whats happened - but he dont wanna get done for it
'whats happened to my charlie?' says she starting to scream
but the coppers given chase,  he's already left the scene
so I looks at charlie, - charlie smiles and winks at me
the jammy sod'll be back with her, just you wait n see
        (don't really need to know the rest do ya?)