The Retired Bloke

Bowel Scope Screening

Today that dreaded moment arrived

And thankfully I lived, I just about survived

My bowels were the focus of the attention

A camera up my bum did I fail to mention


The purpose of the procedure, big C screening

Which required an enema to do the cleaning

Can’t believe that folk enjoy this as a treat

Pay for the experience, make their life complete


Nothing glamorous at home poking

A tube up the bum with my wife hoping

That her involvement would be kept to a minimum

Wasn’t keen to insert it further up my bum


A little squirt and all was done, just needed a little fermenting 

Time stood still until it was time to spend time sitting

On the bog until the concoction did its trick

The end result like a waterfall, all over quite quick


Next step was, hold on tight, and off the the hospital

Hoping and praying that I wouldn’t lose my bottle

In the waiting room I sat down nervously

Seemed a long time sweating profusely 


Soon it was my turn, silently walking to my fate

To be told by a nurse the procedure may hurt

I bravely said I needed no gas and air

I was vividly aware that my bum would be bare 


I was ushered into the room full of women 

To fully inspect my anus was their mission

Then finally with a flourish a thumb inserted

With one insertion all modesty deserted 


And finally the piece de resistance 

A big butch woman needed no assistance

To push what seemed like a telescope 

Up my back passage with the hope


Of checking everything was alright

At the time things seemed rather tight

To help things along they blew air up my bum

To make me feel like I had a balloon like tum


Thankfully no sign of Big C clearly detailed on the chart

I’ve got to admit that I didn’t really have the heart

To tell all those watching that in the end all I needed 

Was to let loose and emit an almighty big fart!


  • orchidee

    Whoops! You would have got your own back on them, if you had! (last line of poem). lol.
    In a 'Carry on' film they used a funnel and rubber tube up the botty, to get a confession from a scheming doctor. They tried other things too, but that 'enema' was the torture he could not endure, and he confessed! You may know the film.

    • The Retired Bloke

      Now you mention it I do remember. I used to enjoy the Carry On films.

      • orchidee

        Was your procedure like that? (ooh lol). Glad all is well.

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