Couch to 5k

“It’s no good” she said

I will have to lose some weight

As she struggled to get out of bed

“I want to have abs toned and tight”

There’ll have to be a stop to slobbing

Doing nothing much just eating

Why don’t you take up jogging

She thought I must be joking

I’ve heard of couch to 5k

A programme to help people like you

She looked at me laughed and said no way

I’ve never been a jogger, it’s something I simply don’t do

Time went on she tried to resist

But I kept on nagging

Really tried to persist

Pointed out the sagging

Several slaps later

She gave in relented

And laced up her trainer

To a test run she consented

The first stage, a gentle walk

To get all loose and warmed up

Out of breath no need to talk

The moaning started I said wassup?

I can’t do it it’s just too much effort

You haven’t started jogging yet

Bugger off my legs are starting to hurt

Come on love let’s build up a sweat

I said trying to be motivational coach

If looks could kill I wouldn’t be writing this

I think on reflection was the wrong approach

If she had the strength a Glasgow kiss

Would be placed right on my bonce

Through gritted teeth she said let’s do it

A two minute jog started all at once

Although struggling she would not quit

She kept on going with the style of a baby elephant

Pounding the streets all ponderous and slow

An interesting style hunched up, very inelegant

At the one minute marker she hit her plateau

I think I’ve hit my peak

I looked at her with dismay

I don’t think that I can speak

Thank goodness for that hip hip hooray

Joking apart we got through the first session 

Of walking and jogging full of lively conversation

A thirty minute workout full of angst and tension

A true test of our marriage a proper examination