The Retired Bloke

Fear of self assembly

I have a fear

Of putting together 

Anything bought from Ikea

Surely the instructions

Should be named destructions

I never know where to start

The drawings look like modern art

Even the thought of engaging

Gets my blood pressure raising

Screws and bolts too many to count

Some I am sure you can do without

There’s always an allen key included

The need for which is not disputed

But after thirty lots of screwing

And of several needing undoing

Having instructions upside down

Feeling foolish like a clown

If there’s two ways of putting together

I will certainly lose my tether 

When realising I’ve chosen the wrong option

Suffering from a lack of concentration

Occasionally I have to let off a scream

When these puzzles are far too extreme 

I can’t seem to get my head around it

Bloody hell how can I be such an idiot

Whatever gave me the stupid idea

I could put something together from Ikea



  • Laura

    Patience, perseverance and a loving partner to read the instructions while you assemble! That will do it!


  • orchidee

    You done it yet?! heehee. I know what you mean. Well, someone knew how to assemble it - the one who did the instructions!

    • The Retired Bloke

      Too true!

      • orchidee

        Who is the guy? Where is he? Why he make the instructions so fiendish to follow?! lol.

      • Goldfinch60

        Self assembly items can be a bit of a pain, Laura's idea sounds like a good one though.

        I have a claim to fame - I have never been in an Ikea shop.

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