Caty rose

self inflicted pain

It is hard to explain the thoughts that run through my mind or the feelings that run through my soul
It is hard to explain the emptiness I feel; it is hard to remember the last time I felt whole
Do you know how it feels to only care about gathering knowledge but having no motivation to pick up any books
To once do everything you could to be beautiful but then loose interest in your looks
Do you know what it's like to feel constantly bored like there is nothing in the world that could possibly keep you sane
Have you ever felt the constant misery that drags you down leaving you with a cloud over your head that always seems to rain
Have you ever felt so special until your world was torn apart
Do you know how it feels knowing your best friend broke your heart
What about the feeling of abandonment where your two favorite people take off when your breaking down
How about trying to face the world with a fake smile when on the inside it's a frown
I no longer know how to socialize the thought of trusting people makes me scared
There was a time when I loved meeting new people, it felt great knowing so many people cared
After having everybody who pretended to love me walk out the door
I forgot how to have friends I don't even know who I am anymore.
I then found something, something that seemed to be the answer to making me feel okay,
something that seemed so trustworthy and it promised to always stay
It destroyed my family and forced me to starve but that didn't matter to me
It was making me skinnier and took away my misery
It gave me a rush that I'm not sure anybody could understand
It stopped me from drowning; it brought me back to land
Now I've found a person who I love so much more but he wantes me to say goodbye to my new friend
I don't want to say goodbye it promised until the end
I don't want to let it go, it makes me feel alive
It helps me through my darkest days; it helps me to survive
Although I still feel numb, reality scares me and my thoughts do as well
I'm always so unhappy which makes me so angry that I can't help but yell
I always feel so empty like the main part of me is dead
I've forgotten my interests; And how to have fun, all I want to do is play games in bed
After suffering a depressive episode and you forgot who you were it is unlikely you will ever be the same
I guess destroying the humanity in a girl is gods idea of a game
It's been one life changing year since I started searching for who I used to be
I've asked everybody I use to know but I'm not the only one who doesn't remember me
I may have forgotten who I am and all the stuff I used to do but I do know that I'm strong
I've had to choose between life and death and I lived through this downwards spiral; suicide is wrong
I don't expect you to understand; the full story is to complicated for me to explain
This is just my story;  it is a story of a girl and self inflicted pain

Comments4

  • Poetic Dan

    O my days this destroyed me and rebuilt me, my tears from this morning ran into my chest and down to my stomach in a hole that I know will never go, I just have to learn to love.

    This is so powerful and moving your honesty and raw power to move on shines through, thank you for opening up your life book to us all.
    May this new you continue to grow and inspire others like you just have me to keep on my path.

  • BRIAN & ANGELA

    WELCOME CATY ~ Thanks for your first Poem ~ which is well written ~ full of Rhyme & Rhythm ~ BUT with a very SAD content ~ intention to Self harm to relieve PAIN ! That is until we reach about line 30 (in the print out !)

    Its been one life changing year since
    I started searching for who I used to be !
    ............. Ive had to chose between life & death
    Ive lived through a downwards spiral
    SUICIDE IS WRONG ~ AMEN !

    Im so glad you survived your Depression and are rebuilding your life. MPS is a n EMPATHETIC SITE and several of our Members have SELF HARMED bt have survived. Im 35 (I share this site with my Fiancee) and teach APPLIED SCIENCE in an Adult (17+) College. Several of my Students have self-harmed ( for a variety of Reasons) so i can EMPATHISE ! Every Blessing ~ Thinking of YOU ~ Yours BRIAN (UK) Pleas check my site ~ Thanks BRIAN.

  • BRIAN & ANGELA

    WELCOME CATY ~ Thanks for your first Poem ~ which is well written ~ full of Rhyme & Rhythm ~ BUT with a very SAD content ~ intention to Self harm to relieve PAIN ! That is until we reach about line 30 (in the print out !)

    Its been one life changing year since
    I started searching for who I used to be !
    ............. Ive had to chose between life & death
    Ive lived through a downwards spiral
    SUICIDE IS WRONG ~ AMEN !

    Im so glad you survived your Depression and are rebuilding your life. MPS is a n EMPATHETIC SITE and several of our Members have SELF HARMED but have survived. Im 35 (I share this site with my Fiancee) and teach APPLIED SCIENCE in an Adult (17+) College. Several of my Students have self-harmed ( for a variety of Reasons) so i can EMPATHISE ! Every Blessing ~ Thinking of YOU ~ Yours BRIAN (UK) Pleas check my site ~ Thanks BRIAN.

  • Shallsea

    It takes a brace n special kind of soul to display such vulnerability! I felt your pain! Hope things have changed for you! Great read



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