yours truly

i am typing up words to surrender my pain.

all of a sudden i am blank- thoughtless, empty. 

do i not have pain to surrender then?

am i finally healed because i have no words?

no.

i envy the mind, it lingers and wanders;

in my dreams, nightmares- in those thoughts of others. 

it's racing so fast, i can't even hear it.

its spinning my eyes, pounding my ears and un-lifting my spirits.

i can't remain calm, please, i am crying for help. 

im begging on my knees, please, save me from myself. 

get me away, out of this life. i mean it, i do- 

im not saying this out of spite.

im pleading for mercy, cant you hear me?

im drowning in my head and hanging from my feelings. 

i cant breathe so easy, can't move so much.

im stuck like this always.

just hear me out, i dont want to be selfish.

i dont want to "relax", "be calm; cool and collected"

no one hears me.

no one really hears the words- the thoughts in my head. 

my eyes twitch and my head is still spinning. 

im so use to it now- its nothing new. 

i can walk with it now, i can smile and laugh. 

its part of me forever, theres no one to fix that.

ill drown in my sorrow, self pity and doubt. 

ill cry myself to sleep; take the easy way out.

thank you for coming, "she will be missed"- 

missed by the ones who couldnt comprehend this.

im sorry mom, dad and brothers. 

im sorry sisters and friends, i could not do another.

i could not find the courage, strength or light-

i wanted to give up, i could not fight my fight.

"you reap what you sow"