I Fucking Love You

did i just hit my lowest point?

im not sure.

i dont know whats worse...

feeling numb? or being able to feel every little bit of it...

feeling nothing? or feeling everything...

i dont know which is worse.

did i just lose the love of my life?

no...

but it feels like it.

i came so close to taking that stupid pencil sharpener blade and my switch blade and taking my life...

i started with my knee and a couple on my wrist and one on my collar bone and an attempt on my neck.

i wanted to do it on my wrist but it wouldve been to noticeable and it just felt so good on my knee...

like my knee was begging for it...

do i regret it?

i dont know yet but as of right now no..

no i dont..

but i did make a big mistake and i broke the love of my lifes trust and heart..

and i honestly dont evem know what could hurt more in that moment..

(well the death of my mom)

but this is right now..

this is the hurt im feeling right now...

it hurts me that i hurt him.

how could i be so stupid??!!!

id give him my life.

id take out my own for his.

tell me you love me...

ill keep telling you i love you until the day i die.

no matter if you out live me or not.

every single time i feel like my life has been in danger or felt like my life could end at any moment..

the very first thing i want to do is text you "i love you" 

lets say if a murderer came and wanted to kill me..

the first thing id want..

my last living request is to tell you i love you...

no wait...

not i love you...

i want to tell you i fucking love you with all my heart.

if i could text you one more time..

call you one more time..

facetime you one more time..

see you one more time..

id tell you i love you.

theres so many things i would want to happen and say before i die.

im just hoping you will outlive me because i could not bare to go through it and not have you here with me living our happy lives..

think about it every day for the rest of my life that i would have left.

i cant..

i want to die before you.

it would be even better if we both died together in our old ages in a happy marriage.

but now im thinking..

did i fuck all of that up for us?

im in school writing this the day after this shit went down and im trying so hard not to cry..

im trying so hard to keep myself together from running out of this school and going to see you..

im trying to keep myself together from falling to the ground from emotional and physical weakness.

im so sorry.

whenever im so emotionally hurt and depressed and cry so hard at the thought of losing the one i love..

ive gotten physical pain.

yesterday my body didnt hurt and i didnt work out that much to the point my body will hurt so its gotta be from all the tears and endless love that i dont want to end thats making my whole body hurt and dense and limp.

i guess thats what happens when you love someone so much that you dont want to lose them.

ive worked on myself in this relationship and theres no going back..

this excitement and love will never go back to the way it was a couple months ago.

youve made a permanent effect on me and its the greatest thing ive ever had.

i see the world in a different way..

ive learned to respect myself and to have fun and learn to differentiate when my dad is trying to look out for me vs. being unreasonable and controlling me.

i could never talk to anyone about anything like i do with you.

i didnt know what i was getting into when i met you but now i wouldnt ask for anything better.

im still new to all of this.

i am trying my hardest but just know im not perfect and unexpected things happen but thats still no excuse.

i have no excuse for my behavior.

usually i wouldve been spilling my heart out to you but this time i was a little more quiet because i wanted to take some time to collect the perfect words for the one id still marry no matter what..

for the one i will love forever.

i know its bad luck for me to write about the happy stuff but does this really count?

i dont know but if it does im going to do everything i can thats in my control to fucking make sure this time is different.

its now wednesday february 6th..

two days after all this shit went down on february 4th...

and im begging for another chance.

sometimes im not too great with words..

shocking right? 

believe it or not i do get speechless and have a loss for words and music is the biggest way i can show someone how i feel without saying a single word.

i fucked everything up...

after all these words i still dont know whats worse..

feeling numb..feeling nothing? or feeling everything..

feeling it from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to sleep.

when i wake up in the morning it takes me not even a minute to realize..

my world is still falling apart...